A Sense of Doubt blog post #4035 - Letter to Dad #25 - ANGST

A Sense of Doubt blog post #4035 - Letter to Dad #25 - ANGST

Hi Dad, Once again, I am postponing a planned entry because I need to do more work on it.

For today's. I just wanted to vent as I am taking off the morning to do whatever I feel like doing.

But first, I went into the boxes of photos I shipped from Michigan back in 2024 when Ivan got married and have not gone through yet.

Right near the top was an envelope of photos printed in June of 1982, and I assume they were taken around that time.

There's more photos in the envelope, but I only canned two of you, Dad.

In 1982, you are 47, or 46 if these were taken before your birthday. I am 20, Lori is 12 (not yet 13), and Mom is 45 (not yet 46). This is the year we adopted Mittens. It is also the year I had some ... legal trouble, which is all that I will say about that.

I have no idea what is going on in these photos. I went to your little black books, but you DID NOT WRITE DOWN what you did here, unless it's from LONG before June of 1982. There's no clues in the pictures as to what this all is. It makes me wish I had sat down with you and Mom before you died and talked about these things. But then, we always think we will have time to do those things, don't we?

Anyway, some pageant that my sister remembered was from when the church turned 150. I believe the drape on the pulpit is for Pentecost, which is in June but unless I missed it, you didn't note what you're doing in your book.

Lori thinks you are being John Knox in these photos.

Anyway, that's the photos. Not my planned topic.

I just wanted to recap the last week.

I watched the Eno movie, as I wrote about on Tuesday.

I have done some cooking. Some cleaning. 

Sunday’s blog shared a bunch of romance comics from the 1940s and 1950s, which I know Mom read a lot of. There were ads for “pen pals wanted.” I wonder if this is how she got her pen pal?  I am pretty sure that the one down in Wales came from the first one in Preston, but I am not sure of that either.

Again, questions I should have asked before either of you passed away.

Had great tacos Friday and then went to the wildlife refuge. So filled with joy and serenity connecting with nature that I started to cry. So peaceful. You are not allowed to get out of your car except in two parking areas. I had planned to take you there, Dad, but I don’t think we did.

Yes, Michigan loss to Duke, and that sucks. I HATE DUKE. I think that Michigan will go all the way even so. I figured I needed to start following women’s sports if I am going to call myself a feminist. I mean, really. BUT hey!! The Pistons have the best record in the NBA and just last night exceeded their win total from last year with 20 some games to go (45 wins). They are so good!

I have to be better about not eating moldy things. Some moldy jam may be why I was sick a while back.

Yeah, Ellory does not like me to see her poop, which I just figured out, so this may be why she almost never poops on a walk. She is having diarrhea again, bad. BUT they forgot her B12 shot when we were there last week for tons of vaccines, so that may be why. I decided to break her diet yesterday. Since she was having diarrhea anyway, why not give her a favorite as she misses her old food. Worst thing would be her getting me up in the night to go out, which she did. But early so not too bad. It sucks when it’s too close to wake up time.

We had Satchel’s anal glands expressed last week and she is still scooting!! I don’t get it. 

In other news, I ordered a book from the UK back In November that is not available in the US. Paul Weller oral bio. Turns out I ordered from Galway, Ireland. Two copies were lost in the mail. I corresponded with very nice people and eventually paid extra for shipping with tracking and my post office almost returned it as we took the PO Box off the address because it was supposed to be shipped directly to my house. Thankfully they did not send it back and I now have it. The audio version is also only available in the UK unless I want to buy it from Apple.

ANGST

So I had this assignment, and it was causing me SERIOUS EXISTENTIAL ANGST, and it really should not have caused such pain. It was easy.

For Psychopharmacology, I had to create at least one visual aid and then use it in a video explaining pharmacodynamics and pharmacokinetics. Maybe I will make a post sharing these later.

I just didn't want to do it. I hate making videos. But I can do that. I have lots of experience. But the visuals were giving me angst.

I tried using AI to give me ideas that I could remake myself and that was very little help.

When I finally got a visual for the ADME process (Absorption, Distribution, Metabolism, and Excretion), but I could NOT figure out how to edit it and add descriptions. Even Google searching instructions for DESIGNER did not seem to help.

EVENTUALLY, I figured it out. Made a second visual for pharmacodynamics and added them all into a power point with a few others. Then after studying my notes and doing some dry runs, I made the video, which had to be three-five minutes. Because I had practiced, I was reasonably happy with my first take recording and posted it all in time to walk the dogs, cook dinner, and vacuum.

But this assignment caused me SO MUCH ANGST.

Ultimately, I decided that even if it's not my best work, even if I could do better, it's an assignment worth only 10 points in a class that totals 300 points. So even if I got a zero (and I won't), 10 points is like 3.33%? (30 pts is 10%, right?).

I have to stop being a perfectionist. I do not need 100% on all assignments for an A in the class. In fact, I only need 89.5% or higher for an A, though I usually stay well above that lower limit.

I think I am experiencing burnout, which is silly as I am hardly overloaded right now. But I am nearing the end, and so my drive is faltering a little.

I am also waiting to hear on my field experience, which is making me nervous, among several things that are making me nervous.

Writing to you, Dad, is almost as good as talking to you. I relied on talking to you and Mom so much for most of my life. I really miss both of you, especially at times like this when I need your love and understanding.

Talk to you more, next week, Dad, when MAYBE I finally finish the post about seeing David Bowie live and your role in it.

love,

christopher

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- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 2603.05 - 10:10

- Days ago: MOM = 3899 days ago & DAD = 553 days ago

- New note - On 1807.06, I ceased daily transmission of my Hey Mom feature after three years of daily conversations. I post Hey Mom blog entries on special occasions. I post the days since ("Days Ago") count on my blog each day, and now I have a second count for Days since my Dad died on August 28, 2024. I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of Mom's death, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of her death and sometimes 13:40 EDT for the time of Dad's death. The blog entry numbering in the title has changed to reflect total Sense of Doubt posts since I began the blog on 0705.04, which include Hey Mom posts, Daily Bowie posts, and Sense of Doubt posts. Hey Mom posts will still be numbered sequentially. New Hey Mom posts will use the same format as all the other Hey Mom posts; all other posts will feature this format seen here.