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| Mom in Girl Scout uniform - 1981 |
Hi Mom,
Even though I am three days behind, I decided this day deserved recognition. There's something that feels significant about round numbers, large numbers, another hundred. Eventually, maybe, all this counting will not seem important. In fact, it seems less important now.
It's been 800 days since your death (as I started the blog two days after your death), and I cannot claim that I am as heart broken or distraught as I was when I acknowledged
100 DAYS - http://sensedoubt.blogspot.com/2015/10/hey-mom-talking-to-my-mother-98-100.html
or even 90 days -
http://sensedoubt.blogspot.com/2015/10/hey-mom-talking-to-my-mother-88-90-days.html
I cannot claim that I feel the heart break at all now, over two years later. I miss you. I often wish you were here, physically. I still grieve your passing. But the sting of it has been sucked of its venom by time and life. My life is so busy now that I do not have time to dwell on your death as I did in the first year since you passed away. Also, I have more perspective. I had a close friend lose his child, now, close to a year ago as explained HERE. I have a close friend fighting cancer. I know of another young girl, just sixteen, who is losing her eight year battle with cancer. So, to openly grieve for the loss of my nearly 80-year-old mother on borrowed time from a disease that usually kills people outright if untreated immediately seems wrong. There are greater losses and greater tragedies. There are present concerns, such as those trying to win the battle against diseases that can kill them. And then there's the world, the horrid things the maniac that fins himself in the White House is doing or the family of a Spokane teen dealing with the aftermath of a shooting in a school (which has not happened yet by the date and time stamp of this blog, but three days later in my world, it has).
I recognize that my loss is one that I do not need to dwell on or make a public spectacle.
And yet, here I am, writing this note, and I am not sure why.
Perhaps I am trying to work out the purpose of the blog. Originally, my purpose was to work out grief, albeit publicly, to try to come to terms with a loss that I knew was coming, dreaded, and feared would destroy me. It didn't, but without this blog, I may not have healed as I have today.
Maybe I am writing just to check in. You know, where my head and heart is, Mom, as you are always with me. Readers may wonder: "why the Hell is this guy still writing about his mother after 800 days, especially when others have more tragic losses or serious problems?" Yeah, well, we can say that about most anything, right? The spectrum of loss and grief is wide, and one can argue that it's completely arbitrary where we place the values of seriousness and deserving of attention and commentary. I am checking in with readers to once again affirm that this blog is not so much about grief anymore. It's about life and living, which was part of my dedication from the start as more of a goal than a reality when I first wrote my opening thoughts -- HERE IS THE FIRST POST -- about how I wanted to chart what's going on in my life, which, to keep the blog going, is often just a share of something interesting or something I want to read myself.
I do often consider stopping the blog feature (though not the blog) and ceasing daily transmission, especially when I am very busy, and especially when I am just devoting myself to wholesale share after share with very little daily content. But I am not ready yet to stop talking to you, Mom, because to do so is to stop living.
This blog is about living my life not about grieving your loss, Mom.
I feel it's a worthwhile venture to repeat that idea from time to time.
But in living my life, I am also celebrating your life, Mom, the life you gave me, your guidance, your love, and the presence of your spirit that I still feel, that I will always feel.
Thanks, Mom.
And now, onward to more living.
PS: I have shared many photos repeatedly, so I chose a photo that I have shared maybe once and not in a quite some time for the header of this post. It's a goofy photo, and I feel that's an appropriate choice for today.
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Reflect and connect.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
I miss you so very much, Mom.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
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- Days ago = 800 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1709.12 - 10:10
NEW (written 1708.27) NOTE on time: I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of your death, Mom, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of your death, Mom. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom.
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