Hey, Mom! The Explanation.

Here's the permanent dedicated link to my first Hey, Mom! post and the explanation of the feature it contains.

Friday, December 6, 2024

A Sense of Doubt blog post #3580 - "It Doesn't Matter If We All Die" - 100 Years - 100 Days Since My Dad Died

Mackinac Island 1980

A Sense of Doubt blog post #3580 - "It Doesn't Matter If We All Die" - 100 Years - 100 Days Since My Dad Died

It's been a 100 days since Dad died.

Publishing this one at the time of his death.

I have been thinking about this entry for some time, weeks. I am not sure what to write.

Emotions seemed so much more raw, immediate, and visceral when my Mom died.

But Dad's death is sneaky. It's leaking out all around the edges. It's a blob of viscous liquid in a not fully sealed plastic bag, leaking, uncontainable, always shifting.

When I first conceived this entry, I thought to use Percy Byshee Shelley's "On Life" as it has been hanging around in the queue for literal years. But then I scrapped that idea. I am supposed to be in low power mode right now. That was too much to do.

Then the Cure song "One Hundred Years" popped into my head, and I was thinking to share it simply because in some ways it feels like one hundred years since he died, but it also seems like one hundred minutes. And also, Dad wanted to live to be 100. Didn't even make it to 90.

The lyrics to "One Hundred Years" have so many resonances, such as the first line that I put in the title: 


"It Doesn't Matter If We All Die"

But what about this?


The pain and creeping feeling
Little black haired girl
Waiting for Saturday
The death of her father pushing her
Pushing her white face into the mirror
Aching inside me and turn me around
Just like the old days, just like the old days
Just like the old days
Just like the old days
Caressing an old man and painting a lifeless face


Eerie?

I have listened to this song many times, but I didn't have the lyrics memorized.

Just coincidence.

Music seems to be a theme in processing grief. I had those songs to help with processing Mom's death shortly after it happened: 

Above, linked, is just one of those songs as I don't think I have posted on all of them, others include "Feel to Believe" by Beth Orton, "The Washing of the Water" by Peter Gabriel, and "Wood Song" by the Indigo Girls.

The three months mark landed on  a Music Monday, so I posted a song.

Here's just four of the entries about Dad in the last 100 days:

I have written about the 28s and the numbers in the deaths of my parents.

Mom died on 7/4/2015. Seven times Four = 28. Dad died on 8/28/24.

Our first full day here in PACNW was 8/28/17 as Dad drove me and the dogs here.

He moved into Friendship Village on 8/28/20.

He died there 8/28/24.

Dad turned 28 the year after I was born.
That's not as good of a 28 in this story of numbers, but it's close to the other significant numbers in the series.

I am okay.

Really, I am.

I am in therapy, and I talk about my feelings. I am processing them.

I have some anger that I need to release.

Today, I am just sad and wistful.

I miss my parents.


I open my mouth and my head bursts open
A sound like a tiger thrashing in the water
Thrashing in the water
Over and over
We die one after the other
Over and over
We die one after the other
One after the other, one after the other
One after the other, one after the other
It feels like a hundred years



IT FEELS LIKE A HUNDRED YEARS...







The Cure


One Hundred Years (2005 Remaster) · The Cure

Pornography

℗ 1982 Elektra/Asylum Records

Remastering  Engineer: Chris Blair
Drums, Keyboards: Lol Tolhurst
Producer: Lol Tolhurst
Unknown: Mike Nocito
Engineer, Producer: Phil Thornally
Unknown: Robert Smith
Guitar, Keyboards, Vocals: Robert Smith
Producer: Robert Smith
Bass  Guitar: Simon Gallup
Keyboards: Simon Gallup
Producer: Simon Gallup
Writer: Lol Tolhurst
Writer: Robert Smith
Writer: Simon Gallup

One Hundred Years
Song by The Cure





LYRICS

It doesn't matter if we all die
Ambition in the back of a black car
In a high building there is so much to do
Going home time, a story on the radio
Something small falls out of your mouth and we laugh
A prayer for something better
A prayer for something better
Please love me, meet my mother
But the fear takes hold
Creeping up the stairs in the dark
Waiting for the death blow
Waiting for the death blow
Waiting for the death blow
Stroking your hair as the patriots are shot
Fighting for freedom on the television
Sharing the world with slaughtered pigs
Have we got everything? She struggles to get away
The pain and creeping feeling
Little black haired girl
Waiting for Saturday
The death of her father pushing her
Pushing her white face into the mirror
Aching inside me and turn me around
Just like the old days, just like the old days
Just like the old days
Just like the old days
Caressing an old man and painting a lifeless face
Just a piece of new meat in a clean room
The soldiers close in under a yellow moon
All shadows and deliverance
Under a black flag
A hundred years of blood
Crimson, the ribbon tightens 'round my throat
I open my mouth and my head bursts open
A sound like a tiger thrashing in the water
Thrashing in the water
Over and over
We die one after the other
Over and over
We die one after the other
One after the other, one after the other
One after the other, one after the other
It feels like a hundred years
A hundred years, a hundred years
A hundred years, a hundred years


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- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 2412.06 - 10:10

- Days ago: MOM = 3444 days ago & DAD = 100 days ago

- New note - On 1807.06, I ceased daily transmission of my Hey Mom feature after three years of daily conversations. I post Hey Mom blog entries on special occasions. I post the days since ("Days Ago") count on my blog each day, and now I have a second count for Days since my Dad died on August 28, 2024. I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of Mom's death, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of her death and sometimes 13:40 EDT for the time of Dad's death. The blog entry numbering in the title has changed to reflect total Sense of Doubt posts since I began the blog on 0705.04, which include Hey Mom posts, Daily Bowie posts, and Sense of Doubt posts. Hey Mom posts will still be numbered sequentially. New Hey Mom posts will use the same format as all the other Hey Mom posts; all other posts will feature this format seen here.
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