A Sense of Doubt blog post #3880 - Letter to Dad #004 - Center of Gravity

Mom and Dad at Turkeyville Christmas Show 1311.14

A Sense of Doubt blog post #3880 - Letter to Dad #004 - Center of Gravity

Hi Big Guy,

The phrase "center of gravity" came into my head the other day.

Since you died, I have felt like I lost my center of gravity because that's what you and Mom were for me for so many years: my center of gravity.

Yes, I am married and have two great kids and dogs and many friends. And yet, our family, the two of you and Lori, were our whole world for so long.

Especially after Mom was paralyzed by the meningitis, taking care of her became a full-time job and the central focus of our lives.

I discussed with you that as much as losing her hurt when she died in 2015, you were still here and that center of gravity still had focus. And now, you're gone and that focus I relied on for my whole life is gone. I am trying to re-focus because I should be able to do that. I have my self, I have others as mentioned, but it's different: you and Mom not being here feels unnatural.

That's why the biggest thing I took from the book The Orphaned Adult is the statement that we do not get through grief, we do not "get over it, instead we find ways to cope, ways for our life to contain the loss.

I am managing with that process. I am hardly lost or destroyed. I am resilient. 

I write about it all because I am trying to process these feelings. Maybe someone comes across my blog in an online search and gains something from it. Maybe a friend actually clicks through and reads what I have put here. And if none of those things happen, I am writing for me, I am writing to you for me.

We were always so different. You are better at letting things go. Mom and I hold on to them. I find that this "holding on" helps me to understand myself and the world around me. I am functioning just fine, but I try not to repress emotions that I should confront and work though.

I know you understand, as you would say if you were here. You might also admonish me with an "oh Christopher" because you think your way is better. But it's not better for me or Mom. I think you learned that later in life. You learned to accept and be understanding of Mom's mental health issues. And you saw those same concerns with me. I am now studying how to help people with their mental health. I am not sure I am going to be successful at it, but I am keen to try. After all, I have had several blows to my mental health in the last two years alone, and I have seen how resilient I am. Selfcare is REALLY important.

As much as I like my life right now, as much as I am surrounded by love and life experiences, I miss you and Mom. I wish you were here. I tell Ellory about you too and how much I miss you every night before bed. She's even more sensitive than I am. I am just trying to figure out where my center of gravity is now that you and Mom are gone. And maybe the answer is just that it's me, it's in me, because that's where you and Mom are now: in me.

Love,

christopher

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- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 2510.02 - 10:10

- Days ago: MOM = 3745 days ago & DAD = 399 days ago

- New note - On 1807.06, I ceased daily transmission of my Hey Mom feature after three years of daily conversations. I post Hey Mom blog entries on special occasions. I post the days since ("Days Ago") count on my blog each day, and now I have a second count for Days since my Dad died on August 28, 2024. I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of Mom's death, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of her death and sometimes 13:40 EDT for the time of Dad's death. The blog entry numbering in the title has changed to reflect total Sense of Doubt posts since I began the blog on 0705.04, which include Hey Mom posts, Daily Bowie posts, and Sense of Doubt posts. Hey Mom posts will still be numbered sequentially. New Hey Mom posts will use the same format as all the other Hey Mom posts; all other posts will feature this format seen here.