Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #50 - Disbelief

Mom at Dad's 50th birthday party
1985

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #50 - Disbelief

Hi Mom,

I still can't believe you're gone.

Fifty-one days have unspooled their threads of minutes and hours since you died, Mom, I have produced fifty of these ruminations on life, grief, and love in that time, and I am still not able to accept that you are not here, not alive. I still think when I call your house, you will be there. I still think I can visit and give you kisses. I hear your voice all the time. It doesn't make sense to me that you are gone.

In fifty days, I have had time to digest this life event, but I do not feel any closer to some kind of acceptance of it. I keep cycling around and around the disbelief without any epiphany. I could write about this disbelief every day on this blog, and I would not understand it any better.

I hear you, Mom. I hear you telling me about how you felt your whole life after your mom was gone.

"Gone" is a term that needs defining because you're gone and not gone at the same time. It's kind of like quantum physics.

People say that there stages to grief. I do not like believing that I am experiencing loss in stages, like everyone else, because I want to believe that my grief is unique, that my experience is unique. In a way, it is. My relationship with my mother is unique from all children's relationships with their mothers because both my mother and I are unique. And even though, my father and my sister can best understand what I am going through because they are going through something similar, still my grief is unique because my relationship with you, Mom, was different than theirs.

There's a tautology to these feelings I am having lately. They cycle around and around the same idea. How can you be gone? You can't really be gone? I don't believe you're gone. Am I going to wake up? This isn't reality, is it? How am I going to make sense of the world without you in it? Answer: I can't because you can't be gone.

There's no new normal. And yet, I am surrounded by normal. The world goes on, and yet your world has stopped, and I cannot believe it's true.

And so it goes.

And like that tautology, I will be back here tomorrow with more content that continues our life-long conversation, Mom.

I really miss you a lot more today than yesterday.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

- Days ago = 51 days ago


- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1508.24 - time

- PS: Yes, I know I am re-using some pictures, but putting these in here felt right. Plus, I am off to Car Pool Beer Club soon.

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #49 - you look so happy

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #49 - you look so happy

Hi Mom,

It's me again.

It's significant as a milestone that you died 50 days ago, Mom. But I do not have much to say about that other than "wow, it's been 50 days."

In keeping with an original pledge that many of these blog entries would be short, I am going to keep this one brief and let he pictures do more of the talking.

Lori shared pictures of a Christmas celebration, which we quickly were able to identify as 2008 because I have short hair but no wedding ring. Those two identifiers could only exist in 2008, after I cut my hair, but before I married Liesel. On this Christmas Day, I had re-met Liesel, but we had not yet had our first date, and given recent events, then, I was convinced that we never would.

Anyway, the theme today is how happy you look in these pictures. You love Christmas. You love Christmas with your family. You were especially happy this year.

I do not always emphasize pictures from the post-meningitis era. At first (as I collected pictures after your death), I wanted to remember you as you were before the meningitis. And yet, such emphasis would leave out fifteen years of pictures and memories.

I may have shared this thought with you before and I surely will again, but I wish I had been taking pictures of just every day stuff all the time.

I like to think of you as happy as you are in these pictures.

I miss seeing that smile of yours, Mom.

me - wearing pink because Mom likes it (so do I)
short hair - no wedding ring proves it's 2008

Princess

BLOG ERRATA DEPARTMENT

- Just noticed the count was off as I had two #42s. Renumbered. Page URLs in the 40s will be off by one in some cases.

- Fixed "days ago" count yesterday as that was also off by one and added days ago all the way back to the first post along with the standard sign off, which I feature just below.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

- Days ago = 50 days ago


- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1508.23 - 10:59

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #48 - Kalamazoo County Fair 2015

Me and Mom at Kalamazoo County Fair August 6, 2014

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #48 - Kalamazoo County Fair 2015

Hi Mom,

We went to the Kalamazoo County Fair last week, but we could not remember if you came with us last year. Dad went hunting and found the picture above, which I identified using my calendar was taken on August 6th, just a few days before you went into the hospital with infected kidney stones on the night of August 12th. You had a long road before you were home. After leaving Bronson and going to the Laurels in Galesburg (then back to Bronson and then back to the Laurels), you managed to get home before your birthday, just shy of two months total time between hospitals and nursing homes.

I knew you must have gone to the fair last year as it was the only way you could have met my friend Cassie Markwardt, with whom I am posing here during this year's fair when Dad, Noel, and I all went on August 12th. I then went back the morning of August 14th to see the magic show of Alan Kazam, pictured here.

Anyway, you may remember meeting Cassie because she runs a pizza business with her partner called Camzies Pizza. Cassie is a true sweetheart, and I am so glad to know her. I am also glad that you got to meet her last year as her loving energy was surely beneficial.

There are so many of these things that I will do this year that will make me think of you, Mom. I am sure this blog will be over-filled with the same theme of missing you and doing things that make me think of you.

You loved the fair so much, seeing the kids, the animals, the lights. And then we would get you an elephant ear, which is something you WOULD NOT have eaten prior to the meningitis. Or if you did try, you would not have finished it. I considered having an elephant ear in your honor, but I did not. I did have this, seen below, after the magic show on Friday. I had pizza and steak tips on Wednesday with Noel and Dad.



I am re-discovering magic, which I was just beginning to do the last two years in a very limited way.

I even have begun to think about doing a couple of shows. This would be a very targeted thing, in which I might volunteer my time to perform at a school and/or in the children's ward of the hospital on Christmas Day. I am sure I can find the time to do the actual show or shows, but I am not sure if I can devote the time to practice to prepare (even adequately) as well as handling the stress that would come with performing magic for the first time in over ten years.

Here's pictures of Alan Kazam levitating a member of the audience and his pre-show set up.

He needed a microphone stand or head set.

He's a nice guy. I spoke to him after the show. We're Facebook friends. I took the boy across the street and our whole family to magic Spooktacular that he hosted at the State Theatre back in 2011, just after we moved in the St. Antoine house. Sadly, he cannot produce the Spooktacular anymore. I wish I had volunteer hours to spare. I would organize and run it if I had the time.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

- Days ago = 49 days ago


- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1508.22 - 20:26 and again 1508.23 - 9:50

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #47 - Hardship withdrawal

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #47 - Hardship withdrawal

Hi Mom,

Pictured above are some of my books (well, one and some supplies) for next term at WMU. I was in the bookstore buying them and riding my bike on campus just as I would have been finishing my Calculus final exam, but I applied for a hardship withdrawal two weeks ago. I will find out if I get it next term, though I will be surprised if I am not granted the withdrawal.

It has been a hardship being without you, Mom.

It has been worse trying to get used to being without you. And when I write  "being without you," I mean in physical space, in the sense of you being alive. Because I do feel you with me all the time. I feel your presence. I hear your voice.

I miss you a lot today. But then, I miss you a lot every day, so it's notable when I miss you more on one day than another. I miss giving you kisses. I miss the sound of your voice. Yes, I know I just wrote that I can hear your voice. I can, and I cannot, like how lights is particles and it is waves.

It's a theme on this blog. I could do a daily reflection on how much I miss and in new ways to describe missing you, and it would still not be enough.

Today's theme is "hardship withdrawal," which sums up the feeling quite nicely. It would also make a good band name: The Hardship Withdrawal.

In your honor, I am just consumed two dark chocolate mints.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

- Days ago = 48 days ago

- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1508.21 - 19:29

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #46 - The Cantaloupes at Satellite Records 1508.19

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #46 - The Cantaloupes at Satellite Records 1508.19

Hi Mom, Ivan's band played a gig last night, and I would like to show you the pictures and two short videos.

Yeah, I don't like the band name much either. But it's indicative of their aesthetic. They don't care about band names. They care about the music.

At one point, Will the lead guitarist and singer commented the this song is either called "The Devil's Advocate" or the "The Devil's Attorney." He asked Ivan which it should be. Ivan said he did not care. Ivan cares about the music. I asked Ivan about some of the lyrics for the song months ago, he did not know the answer. He didn't know the lyrics.

Their sound is a blend of many influences from country and western (though not the schlocky or poppy stuff), old crooner tunes from the 1950s, surf punk, and rock and roll. It's a sophisticated melange, especially for musicians of their young age.

They are very, VERY good.

This is from their gig yesterday at Satellite Records on Westnedge.

Ditto. Don't know the name of this song.

They played this one at Satellite, too. I did not see the Papa Pete's show, but here's a video from it.

SOME PHOTOS OF THE CANTALOUPES.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

- Days ago = 47 days ago


- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1508.20 - 18:23

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #45 - HUGO AWARDS

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #45 - HUGO AWARDS

Hi Mom, And now for something completely different. HUGO AWARDS!!

For those not in the know, check out HUGO AWARDS WIKIPEDIA. The Hugo Award is best described as a popular vote (as opposed to Nebula, which is given by the SFWA (Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America), which is an organization exclusive to those with suitable publishing credits in the field). The Hugo Award collects the votes of fans who attend (and/or register to attend or just register with rights to vote) the World Science Fiction Convention, known as SASQUAN this year due its location in Spokane. Washington.

picture taken by Liesel
at Seattle's SF museum

Mom, I know you have zero interest in science fiction and even less in the current controversy surrounding the Hugo Awards. But since this blog charts on ongoing conversation with you, Mom, and this is a conflict I have been watching since the beginning of the year when the Hugo nominations were announced, I am going to collect the things I have read and a few thoughts here. When you were still alive and physically present, you would have listened to me describe all this nonsense. I am not sure I talked about it while you were still with us. It seemed more important to talk about school or Y&R. But I have been wanting to collect my readings about the Hugo Awards and now is as good a time as any.

The SASQUAN convention at which the Hugos will be given starts today.  I have been posting about the Hugos and following the controversy for some time. I have also been cobbling together this blog post for some time. I had wanted to post this before voting for the Hugos ended as it did on July 31st. But then it seemed more important to write about you, Mom, at least more often than not. And yet today also seems like a good day to unleash this content as it's the first day of SASQAUAN, and now I can post about winners after the awards are given on Saturday night.

The links I provide here do a great job of giving a tour of the controversy regarding the Hugos if you want to really dig into it.

I am going to crib George RR Martin's summary of the Sad Puppies issues as it is the bets on eI have seen to encapsulate the controversy. In a nut shell, the story goes like this.

The actual Sad Puppies opposition to the Hugo Awards ballots and method for granting one of SF's two most presitigious awards goes back three years. Some fans have argued that the Hugo Awards have been "taken over" by SJWs (Social Justice Warriors). Those arguing this supposition feel that the awards have become rigged so that only left-leaning, liberal, SJWs win Hugo, while those who are not part of that clique are left out or even black-listed.

Originally, when sad for not being nominated, the self-proclaimed Sad Puppies argued that the Hugo exclusion is political while others claim that it is religious in nature. Others decry the SJWs for racial prejudice, claiming that "straight (cis) white males" are excluded from the awards to promote an SJW agenda. And lastly, many Sad Puppies argue that the Hugo nominees represent boring stories and works of art unpopular with the masses whereas Sad Puppies write good old, entertaining SF and Fantasy yarns in the tradition of great masters like Heinlein.

Thus, these Puppies vowed to take back SF by creating slates of works for people to nominate to effectively "take back" or even "take control" of the Hugo ballot. Some people associated with Puppies have claimed that if SF fans ever want to re-claim their precious awards that they will have to accede to the demands of the Sad Puppies (or Rabid Puppies which is another group).

Those are the bare bones of the issue, though it's detailed in grander scope and breadth in the following links, some of which are from mass media outlets. You can find George RR Martin's comments via a link, too. If you do not know, as I know you may not, Mom, George RR Martin is the author of Game of Thrones and its series known as The Song of Ice and Fire.

And that's about it. Read on if you wish. I will be back later, maybe next week, with who wins the Hugo.

Voting ended on July 31st but if one was inclined to vote in the future, information could be found here: Voting for the Hugo Awards via SASQUAN

Original declaration of the 2015 PUPPY SLATE


ROUND-UP OF PUPPY AND NON-PUPPY LISTS


VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE - Scalzi


PRETTY much EVERYTHING Puppy related and on "Hugo Neepery" can be found here:

The Compleat Litter of Puppy Roundup Titles


GOOD DUO TO READ

STARTER - 

Destroy the myth, destroy the culture by Patrick Richardson

RESPONSE - 

You Can’t Take Back What You Already Have by John Scalzi


GOOD COLLECTION OF QUOTES AND STUFF

The Left Paw of Darkness 5/16

FROM A SAD PUPPY - why-sad-puppies-3-is-going-to-destroy-science-fiction

ON DROPPING THE NOVELETTE CLAUSE - An open letter to the WSFS about unintended consequences

PUPPY HISTORY AND COMMENTARY - WHY PUPPIES ARE SAD AND ALWAYS WILL BE

MAJOR MEDIA

WSJ - The Culture Wars Invade Science Fiction - Online campaigners are pushing to give SF’s annual Hugo Awards to popular space yarns, not more literary fiction or tales of diversity

San Francisco Book Review on Puppygate

NEW REPUBLIC - Science Fiction's White Boys' Club Strikes Back

BIG THINK -  Sci-Fi Hugo Awards Controversy Is a Cultural Proxy War


LOTS OF HUGO STUFF - Various

GEORGE RR MARTIN ON PUPPIES

CORREIA RESPONDS TO MARTIN

Some fantastic data analysis with actual charts and graphs!

Some Sad Puppy Data Analysis


MORE HUGO AND HUGO RELATED STUFF

This next link is one of the best on the whole puppies situation. However, to read David's remarks you have to have Facebook.

DAVID GERROLD ON HUGOS AND PUPPYGATE


Some rhetoric by a blogger casting John Scalzi as a bully. Not directly Hugo related but in the same vicinity.

John Scalzi and the Bully Kool-Aid

The next five links are all HUGO related and additional information on the entire conflict if you are REALLY interested.

Puppies in Their Own Words

Two from Eric Flint:

WHAT THE HELL, LET’S DO IT AGAIN – STILL MORE ON THE HUGO AWARDS

AND AGAIN ON THE HUGO AWARDS

Puppygate – Winners and Losers | Cheryl's Mewsings

The Latest Hugo Conspiracy Nonsense Involving Me | Whatever

Not at all about Hugos, but since so much ire is directed at Scalzi, when he signed his big deal with Tor, there was lots of of complaining from Scalzi opponents on the Internet. Here's some smart reaction to all that hoopla.

My Inevitable and Utterly Redundant John Scalzi Multi-Million-Dollar Deal Hot Take | Matt Wallace

I figured this post should have a picture of my Mom in it. This seems like a fitting enough picture. Here's our family (minus my Dad) on our trip to Europe in 1986.

Paris - 1986

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

- Days ago = 46 days ago


- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1508.19 - 12:04

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #44 - Satchel dislikes the stereo

Satchel upset by music new stereo VictoriaLand 1508.03

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #44 - Satchel dislikes the stereo


Hi Mom,

The picture above is from a couple of weeks ago when I first tried to assemble our stereo and played the Cocteau Twins thinking the puppy would like it. Her did not. (Yes, I know that's not grammatically correct usage of her.)

I just finished assembling our new stereo on our new audio-visual rack built by your hubbie, my Dad, the RBT, or as I call him, the Big Guy, BG, Beej.

Here, you can see the turn table on top. I was planning to use my old turn table, but I ended using this one that Liesel gave me so I can import LP music digitally.

second new Polk tall speaker

More on that below.

On top in the back right corner, you can see the Monty Python Flying Circus set and in front of that the game with the two rods and the steel ball. FUN.

On the next shelf down the new receiver, next the cable box and streaming player (hidden), next the five cd changer, next the tape deck that doesn't work, and I am going to remove, and below that actual LPs. You can also see CDs scattered about. You can see one of the two Polk tall speakers next to the cabinet on the left.

Below are the two book shelf speakers, also Polk, but they may not stay on top of the TV, though this does not bother me.

Satchel does not like the new stereo. When I play it, her goes into the bedroom or outside, Whatever her can do to get as far away from it as possible.

Her really does not like it. We like to use "her" when we would use "she." Liesel started this usage.

Her really, really does not like it.

I want to import sound from LPs like this one digitally, but I can just as easily hook up my lap top to the turntable out in the living room as in my office. MORE easily, actually.

I had Liesel gift me this album a few years ago. I have three cassettes of it. I recorded the first from a girl named Jennifer Farrington, whom I took to see the 10,000 Maniacs & REM concert in 1987.

I had to have this album ordered from Europe. It's extremely rare. It's kind of 1960s-esque soundtrack type jazz-pop.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

- Days ago = 45 days ago


- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1508.18 - 20:43