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Mom at Dad's 50th birthday party 1985 |
Hi Mom,
I still can't believe you're gone.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAj7j9TBzqpV6kNa4fS4gUjmfrtl7KVDs7azT4PbcrG0QmdIld5iEph9vJ5MANXNgTvaFma3aYaot5JNmxTO7uqo0nPEq8InWjw3yy_N6P7Qwmf-vzwGR4OCRDHuoYg21AaOoPVALbwbKB/s320/Birthday-Pill-Chris-Lori-7010.07.jpg)
In fifty days, I have had time to digest this life event, but I do not feel any closer to some kind of acceptance of it. I keep cycling around and around the disbelief without any epiphany. I could write about this disbelief every day on this blog, and I would not understand it any better.
I hear you, Mom. I hear you telling me about how you felt your whole life after your mom was gone.
"Gone" is a term that needs defining because you're gone and not gone at the same time. It's kind of like quantum physics.
People say that there stages to grief. I do not like believing that I am experiencing loss in stages, like everyone else, because I want to believe that my grief is unique, that my experience is unique. In a way, it is. My relationship with my mother is unique from all children's relationships with their mothers because both my mother and I are unique. And even though, my father and my sister can best understand what I am going through because they are going through something similar, still my grief is unique because my relationship with you, Mom, was different than theirs.
There's a tautology to these feelings I am having lately. They cycle around and around the same idea. How can you be gone? You can't really be gone? I don't believe you're gone. Am I going to wake up? This isn't reality, is it? How am I going to make sense of the world without you in it? Answer: I can't because you can't be gone.
There's no new normal. And yet, I am surrounded by normal. The world goes on, and yet your world has stopped, and I cannot believe it's true.
And so it goes.
And like that tautology, I will be back here tomorrow with more content that continues our life-long conversation, Mom.
I really miss you a lot more today than yesterday.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
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- Days ago = 51 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1508.24 - time
- PS: Yes, I know I am re-using some pictures, but putting these in here felt right. Plus, I am off to Car Pool Beer Club soon.
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