Hey, Mom! The Explanation.

Here's the permanent dedicated link to my first Hey, Mom! post and the explanation of the feature it contains.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #50 - Disbelief

Mom at Dad's 50th birthday party
1985
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #50 - Disbelief

Hi Mom,

I still can't believe you're gone.

Fifty-one days have unspooled their threads of minutes and hours since you died, Mom, I have produced fifty of these ruminations on life, grief, and love in that time, and I am still not able to accept that you are not here, not alive. I still think when I call your house, you will be there. I still think I can visit and give you kisses. I hear your voice all the time. It doesn't make sense to me that you are gone.

In fifty days, I have had time to digest this life event, but I do not feel any closer to some kind of acceptance of it. I keep cycling around and around the disbelief without any epiphany. I could write about this disbelief every day on this blog, and I would not understand it any better.

I hear you, Mom. I hear you telling me about how you felt your whole life after your mom was gone.

"Gone" is a term that needs defining because you're gone and not gone at the same time. It's kind of like quantum physics.

People say that there stages to grief. I do not like believing that I am experiencing loss in stages, like everyone else, because I want to believe that my grief is unique, that my experience is unique. In a way, it is. My relationship with my mother is unique from all children's relationships with their mothers because both my mother and I are unique. And even though, my father and my sister can best understand what I am going through because they are going through something similar, still my grief is unique because my relationship with you, Mom, was different than theirs.

There's a tautology to these feelings I am having lately. They cycle around and around the same idea. How can you be gone? You can't really be gone? I don't believe you're gone. Am I going to wake up? This isn't reality, is it? How am I going to make sense of the world without you in it? Answer: I can't because you can't be gone.

There's no new normal. And yet, I am surrounded by normal. The world goes on, and yet your world has stopped, and I cannot believe it's true.

And so it goes.

And like that tautology, I will be back here tomorrow with more content that continues our life-long conversation, Mom.

I really miss you a lot more today than yesterday.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

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- Days ago = 51 days ago


- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1508.24 - time

- PS: Yes, I know I am re-using some pictures, but putting these in here felt right. Plus, I am off to Car Pool Beer Club soon.

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