Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #359 - Mom at her best - Throwback Thursday

Tuesday August 17th 2010
MET-RBT 52nd Wedding Anniversary
at Mangia Mangia downtown Kalamazoo

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #359 - Mom at her best - Throwback Thursday

Hi Mom,

It's actually Monday July 4th as I write these words, and I am back dating because I am five days behind on the blog. I took a bit of a break, which is what the next four blogs will about and they will be short and sweet. I chose many things to do as therapy as healing as moving on with life in these days leading up to and including the one year anniversary of your death.

Here I am going to post some (not all) of my favorite photos of you, but I do really like this one. I love pictures of your with food on your face. These photos would NEVER have been taken before the meningitis, but after, you didn't care. In fact, you loved food and time with family too much to care.

I love your smile in the photo above.

I am sure I will have reflections with words, introspective text, later on, but right now, I am  walking a fine line between living life and having fun and remembering, reliving, re-feeling your active dying and your death, one year ago, on July 4th.

I have pictures and videos of your corpse. I am not going to share those. I prefer to think of you as this photo up top and these photos below.

Someone told me today that the first year is a bitch. I think all the years are going to be hard from now on. I am never going to stop missing you. But I will learn to put it in its proper perspective.

I love you, Mom.

Christmas 1972

At Turkeyville Nov. 14 2013

1985 - 50th birthday

Laura's Wedding 1995

Mother's Day 1976

2002

Christmas 1976

Mom's birthday 1984

at Lake with Dad 1957

the best

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Reflect and connect.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

I miss you so very much, Mom.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

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- Days ago = 361 days ago

- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1606.30 - 10:10

NOTE on time: When I post late, I had been posting at 7:10 a.m. because Google is on Pacific Time, and so this is really 10:10 EDT. However, it still shows up on the blog in Pacific time. So, I am going to start posting at 10:10 a.m. Pacific time, intending this to be 10:10 Eastern time. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom. But I am not going back and changing all the 7:10 a.m. times. But I will run this note for a while. Mom, you know that I am posting at 10:10 a.m. often because this is the time of your death.

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #358 - Writerly Wednesday - Inconsolable, a poem

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #358 - Writerly Wednesday - Inconsolable, a poem

Hi Mom,

I am aware that this poem is kind of pretentious, and I may be a little shy about it because I remember why I wrote it and when.

And yet, in choosing the poem for today, so close to the one year anniversary of your death, Mom, given that one year ago today I was watching you actively die, the title "inconsolable" seems to reach out and grab me.

I would not say that I am inconsolable, but I am not consoled. I was remarking that in many ways the one year anniversary of your dying and your death has me re-living all those feelings. So maybe it's accurate to say that I am not as consoled as I thought I was.

Last week, when I chose this poem and set it up, I wrote these lines: One aspect of going over these poems and presenting them here, poems that I have not looked at in many years, is that they act like magic spells. There's incantation here.

I still feel this way. My poems and the little darlings of turns of phrases that I love (that I would probably remove if I was a serious poet) read like incantations, and they help me.

Here's a poem I like for its use of language. But it's a herky jerky incantation. It stutters and stops. It's peripatetic, metaphorically, which is a word that sounds right, but again I am trying to force meaning from it like blood from stone.

And yet, despite the poem's short comings, I think I really nail it in the last stanza...

INCONSOLABLE
          christopher tower, 8611.14 / 8704.16

I do not deserve to touch your body;
as are horses, birds, and cats forbidden
to peer silently at your skin rippling
beneath the slightest slip of fingers.
Until I can slide the water sacked
in my flesh through weary muscles, drain
it out fingernail incisions, and mix it with
the valence of your blood, I will never dare
even the feather fall of digits upon your skin.

I do not deserve to loosen muscles,
to lubricate joints, or to untie tangled
touching routines I never learned to weave.
Beyond my reach you roll caged in an unknown
sleep.  Boiling summer darkness turns you
to and fro under sheets.  I could never finger
a broken path from toe to where legs rub,
nor scratch a relieving groan from your lips.

I haven't earned the right to arch your back,
stretch your neck, or to rub at a love of touching.
I may never unearth the secret you cradle beneath
your rocking hips but if I slow the passion's rise,
claw through my heat, and burrow from craning neck,
to bridged spine, breast, to even waist with supple
calm then I can spin water with sweeter blood,
and spread it on your skin.

I may never deserve the wisdom of your flesh,
your round, unknown body bristling with sweat
and heat.  But I do deserve my fingers and
the tender trails they weave.  And I do deserve
my lips that mingle in new water.  And what
lies beyond my reach is never far away.

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Reflect and connect.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

I miss you so very much, Mom.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

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- Days ago = 360 days ago

- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1606.29 - 10:10

NOTE on time: When I post late, I had been posting at 7:10 a.m. because Google is on Pacific Time, and so this is really 10:10 EDT. However, it still shows up on the blog in Pacific time. So, I am going to start posting at 10:10 a.m. Pacific time, intending this to be 10:10 Eastern time. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom. But I am not going back and changing all the 7:10 a.m. times. But I will run this note for a while. Mom, you know that I am posting at 10:10 a.m. often because this is the time of your death.

Expressive woman water photography14 Expressive woman & water photography: Water, Photos, Anna Pavlova

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #357 - Work days with the Big Guy

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #357 - Work days with the Big Guy

Hi Mom, This one's mostly pictures. There's been lots of work around here lately with the Big Guy, my Dad, you know, Robert "Bob" Tower, your husband.

In the photo above, I had to insist that Dad smiled. It's a good smile.

This photo gallery charts our power washing of the deck and then staining the deck.

Liesel does not like the stain color (see sample pick of the color swatch below). But the staining of the deck is more about preserving the wood than looks. We needed solid stain. She wanted grey. We miscommunicated.

AND we will need to power wash again later this summer or early in the fall. We skipped a section of the house because we were running out of time and energy.

As you know, Mom, Dad and I have always done these work days. They used to be in support of our home, ours together as a family. But now, mostly, they are in support of my home with Liesel and the kids.

Dad told me that  a year ago he would not have been able to do all this work. He's doing yoga, and it's really helped him.

Also, he was taking care of you, and in your last two years, it was not as easy for us to bring you along and stash you in front of a TV or for a nap on the a couch.

I know these pictures would be interesting to you, Mom; you would look at them all, nodding and smiling. But my other readers may not find much of interest here. Still, I like our work and the before-after progression of the deck staining. I have also added my Instagram/Twitter/Facebook posts and captions. "SO MUCH DIRT!!!"

These times with my Dad are precious. I would not trade them for anything in the world.

Satchel: "I want to come outside, please."
Me: "No, you are already covered with stain."

Satchel, thinking: "How could I get outside without his help."
Me: "Satchel, don't even think you're getting outside until the stain dries."

ALL DONE!! Four days later, the deck looks great, if you like cape grey as a color that is.

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Reflect and connect.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

I miss you so very much, Mom.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

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- Days ago = 359 days ago

- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1606.28 - 10:10

NOTE on time: When I post late, I had been posting at 7:10 a.m. because Google is on Pacific Time, and so this is really 10:10 EDT. However, it still shows up on the blog in Pacific time. So, I am going to start posting at 10:10 a.m. Pacific time, intending this to be 10:10 Eastern time. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom. But I am not going back and changing all the 7:10 a.m. times. But I will run this note for a while. Mom, you know that I am posting at 10:10 a.m. often because this is the time of your death.

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #356 - Musical Monday for 1606.27

Wedding rings of Marjorie and Bob Tower
pre-Memorial Service Saturday 1607.11

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #356 - Musical Monday for 1606.27

Hi Mom,

Special treat today. I have put together a selection of music shared with me by my mate Glenn Codere, who lives in Glasgow, Scotland, but happens to be a Detroit Tigers fan from being born in the Detroit area and living in Michigan until his early teen years when his mother moved to Scotland.

Glenn will correct me if [a] reads this and [b] I got any of it wrong.

I have a box of spiced wine and a data stick with music to share in return in my basement awaiting the golden moment when I get my shit together and send it to him and Maureen as a thank you for hosting us with a lovely meal at the Meat Bar (see picture far below) and a night cap at the coolest drinkery in all Scotland: THE POT STILL, a whisky (as in SCOTCH) bar in Glasgow. I am determined to send the wine this summer, but I have been waiting for the right cash flow. It's coming, Glenn, mate, if you're reading this.

Glenn was kind enough to share his love of prog rock bands, so more on that in a minute.

Mom, you died 358 days ago. A year ago at this time, you were actively dying. Likely, I sat at your side for most of the day. I spent as much time with you as I could before you left us. Yesterday was Dad's 81st birthday. I went to church with him and then we all (including Lori and Noel) had a brunch at Faye's house on Gull Lake. Faye is Dad's new friend. You would like her. We like her very much, and so does Dad, obviously.

You are on my mind a lot, right now, Mom, because of what we all went through last year at this time. I try to make the blog about more then grief. I do not write about grief every day. And though each blog entry is addressed to you, Mom, I make many funny and light and about subjects that are not about you and your death. As I have always said, this blog is meant to continue our phone conversations or our visits. It's about the things I care about. It's about things that I want to share with you, and by extension, those readers.

I am blessed to have good friends and to share in great experiences, and this is all because of you, Mom.

The picture above is of your wedding rings -- yours and Dad's -- and how he had them nestled one within the other on the bathroom counter the morning of your Memorial Service.

I miss you, Mom. I wish you were here to share these things with you in person. I feel your spirit, though not always. This is not your kind of music, and yet I feel your appreciation for it anyway.

I will let the music speak for itself -- because, HELLO, it's MUSICAL MONDAY -- but I will provide links for each band. As you can see from the inserted image (above and left), there's more to listen to than I can share here, but here's a few of my favorites so far.

KNIGHT AREA







Big Big Train







DAVE BAINBRIDGE




SOUND OF CONTACT



MULL HISTORICAL SOCIETY

Colin MacIntrye




COSMOGRAF



and because I am still on that Genesis kick...

STEVE HACKETT





Reflect and connect.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.


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- Days ago = 358 days ago


- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1606.27 - 10:10

NOTE on time: When I post late, I had been posting at 7:10 a.m. because Google is on Pacific Time, and so this is really 10:10 EDT. However, it still shows up on the blog in Pacific time. So, I am going to start posting at 10:10 a.m. Pacific time, intending this to be 10:10 Eastern time. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom. But I am not going back and changing all the 7:10 a.m. times. But I will run this note for a while. Mom, you know that I am posting at 10:10 a.m. often because this is the time of your death.

Me and Liesel with Glenn and Maureen at the Meat Bar Glasgow 1505.28