|salty sea toes_ming_nomchong_Ello|
Another round of dreams. I have been saving these for over a month, so it was time to post them.
In the last dream, you are trying to tell me something. I still have not figured out what it is, but might it have had something to do with also visiting Dad and how he could not sleep all night once last week?
As per my usual form, dates listed are those for the time when I woke from the dream.
|Planet forming around a binary star|
In the dream, I am sitting in my computer class from this last term and my actual teacher. Dr. James Yang, is there. He is trying to explain to us a concept about Java from our text book, but there is a discrepancy between the online book, which he is using, and the printed volume that I am using. I cannot find the passage he is sharing. In frustration, I throw my book to the front of the room in anger and disgust. Immediately, I am mortified. What possessed me to act this way? I am scramble to the front of the room and collect my book. "I am so sorry," I say. "That was incredibly childish of me. I am not sure why I did that." And I return to my seat. Class goes on. Later, I am seeing a video display that is training a camera on one student in the class at a time. The camera focuses on me, and I am identified as "the one." Security comes in. They are going to arrest me for throwing my book. A teaching assistant protests as the professor stands by, mutely, unmoving. "This is not like Chris at all," the TA protests. "He does not deserve this treatment." Other students follow suit. There is a ground swell of support for me, and for a second, it appears as if the professor will relent. But then I am taken away.
LATER, in the same night, after waking and falling back to sleep, I have another dream. Liesel and I are shopping in Meijer when I become very angry with her. I yell at her in the middle of the store, in a grocery aisle, and again I have the same feeling. Why did I do that? I acted very childishly. That was very unlike me.
BOTH dreams are connected to the same feeling. Clearly, they are anxiety dreams, but about what? There's shame involved. Guilt. Anger. In both dreams, I throw a tantrum. I do something that I would never do, which I think is the key to analysis here. What anxiety am I having about doing something I would never do?
So, I cannot remember all the details of the earliest part of the dream, but I was driving you in Dad's car, Mom. We were going over big curved highway over passes and ramps. Eventually, we arrived at this place where there was supposed to be a restaurant. I got you out of the car and in your wheel chair. I made sure you were all bundled up as it was cold, just as I had done so many times when I took you out shopping. Then I began to haul you up this very steep but very wide staircase. At the top of the staircase, there was a huge built-in desk-counter thing, and so I had to haul you up and over that thing, too. What we found was not a restaurant but someone's apartment. There were just two rooms: a kitchen and a living room. I could only get you into the living room as the door to the kitchen was not wide enough for you and your chair. There were many elderly people there in the apartment. I found another stair down to the front door and the street, but it was even steeper than the other and very narrow. Many of the elderly people were big, burly men. I asked them to help me take you back down the stairs, but because they were so steep, and I had to get you back up over that desk-counter thing, I was worried that I would not be able to hold on to you. I was also worried that though burly, these big old guys would not be much help. I wanted someone to volunteer to hold your chair, which is what I was planning to do, but no one spoke up. I woke up and the dream ended before I figured out how to get you down.
I am writing this note on the dream several days later, so a lot of the finer details have faded. I remember I was having a dream about going places and meeting people. During all of that, I saw you Mom. You were in your wheel chair. I leaned in and gave you a hug and kisses on the cheek. In the dream, I could feel your warmth. I could smell your skin. And I had the thought that I had not hugged and kissed you in a long time. I miss hugging and kissing you.
I lunge at a guy and fall on top of him. He is talking shit about my wife, calling her a "cun" instead of "cunt," but his meaning is clear. I tell him to stop, threatening him with my fist. He says, "Cun cunny cun." I start beating his face with my fist. Blood splatters and spews.
I have a big apartment with many rooms. Many friends and loved ones are staying the night with me. I have to make sure I get them up and out and get them food to eat the next day. My former friend Dean is there, and she does something wrong. I do not remember what. She starts crying. Instead of walking away or feeling hate and anger toward her, I enfold her in one arm (a partial hug) and comfort her. This is a MAJOR turnabout in my subconscious as I have had nothing but ire and disgust for her up until now for the last seven years. But in this dream, I seem ready to forgive her.
Weird dream that I may not be able to recreate accurately in words as much of it was driven by feelings. The dream was prompted by seeing pictures on my phone yesterday, when I was looking for something else, that I took of my mother's dead body. MAYBE I want to remove those, so I do not accidentally see them.
In the dream, I am back in the condo on that time last year of her death. She has died, but we learn that we can bring her back to life, different than a resuscitation. So, we do this, and her eyes stare out from her head with an odd look. We're not sure if she's home. We believed that she would be back to how she had been before her illness, but all she does is stare and cannot seem to talk. The FEELING of the look in her eyes and how I feel about her being back to life (happy but also uncomfortable) is what I cannot express in words.
Later, we decide to unplug her because at this point in the dream she is kept alive with breathing tubes. But there's also an injection that stops her life. After she is given the injection, she is declared dead, but then he eyes pop open and it seems like she's alive but we're not sure.
That's how the dream ends.
|ISLAND SAGA XXV Kirkjufell-Grundarfjörður-West Iceland|
You appeared in my dreams last night, Mom. You were trying to tell me something. I tried to hang on to the details this morning when I woke, but they all slipped away. You did tell me things in the dream. You were talking quite well. But then there were other things that I was not sure about.
You were in your wheelchair, so it was the you of that era. I woke up with the strong feeling that you were trying to tell me something. The feeling has persisted all day long.
For readers, as Mom declined, knowing what she was saying became a guessing game. We would have to ask her if what she was saying was a statement or a question. Often we could not guess statements, but we usually could narrow down questions and give her answers.
In the dream, you started out speaking clearly and well, Mom, and then later in the dream, I could not understand you and woke up wondering what you were trying to tell me.
|Mom - 1957|
Reflect and connect.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
- Days ago = 338 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1606.07 - 8:24