|Mother's Day - 1984|
I wanted to post this at the exact time of your death today, but we slept in and I will be teaching at 10:10 a.m.
And that's okay.
I was going to be dramatic today and say I have no words and then just post a bunch of pictures.
But I do have words because isn't having words the whole point of this blog? I am continuing conversations with you, Mom. I am giving myself an outlet for writing, even if it's just to post a few lines with a share of someone else's content.
The most important thought I wish to share is that I am okay. Really, I am. I am even happy. Yes, I am happy. I am very happy. I mean, after all, my post from a week ago today, Tuesday June 27th, was entitled "I'm Happy" and featured a little video showing a happy gorilla, who's as happy as I am.
So, I had been doing things to cope with my grief, like an alarm set for the moment of your death, 10:10 a.m. every day. I also have stopped kissing that shirt of yours that hangs in my closet every day. Maybe once in a while I kiss it, but I have moved on from these coping mechanisms.
But as always, you are around my constantly, Mom. I think of you every day because I write this blog. Even, if I am not writing some heartfelt treatise of love and grief every day, I am thinking of you because I have to post something, even if it's just a share of content written by someone else.
But there are other things. I use a bowl that we bought at the Richland art fair, and I think of you. I do laundry, and I think of you. I use your measuring cup, and I think of you. I make a recipe of yours, and I think of you. There are so many things that remind me, Mom, every day. I am sure this is the kind of experience that everyone who has lost a loved one shares.
I miss you the most when I want to talk to you, Mom, because though this blog helps, and though I feel you with me always, sometimes I have a question, and I cannot get an answer from you, at least not verbally. But I get by. I don't have any crippling regret.
The greatest thing you gave me was teaching me to love and how I love. I love unconditionally because you loved me without conditions, completely and totally. Hey. I know I screwed up a lot. I made a lot of mistakes. I was not always perfectly loving to you, Mom. But I knew you loved me completely, and I love you with all of my heart. This is how I love the others in my life, completly, totally, with all of my heart.
As part of a series of healing and life affirming things, last year, on the day of your death, this day, July 4th, I took a bike ride to South Haven. Here was my post, and one of the pictures.
The road goes ever on, Mom.
|July 4th 2016 - 10:10 a.m.|
I am doing what you wanted for me: I am living a grand and happy life.
And now, back to that road.
Reflect and connect.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
I miss you so very much, Mom.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
- Days ago = 730 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1707.04 - 10:10
NOTE on time: When I post late, I had been posting at 7:10 a.m. because Google is on Pacific Time, and so this is really 10:10 EDT. However, it still shows up on the blog in Pacific time. So, I am going to start posting at 10:10 a.m. Pacific time, intending this to be 10:10 Eastern time. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom. But I am not going back and changing all the 7:10 a.m. times. But I will run this note for a while. Mom, you know that I am posting at 10:10 a.m. often because this is the time of your death.