|Taken at Turkeyville Christmas show Nov. 9 2012|
The following was written 1507.16 - starting at 16:03:
That thing in which grief blindsides me just happened and reduced me to sobs. Kind of like thunder with blue skies. Kind of like a wind shear on a calm day.
I had been getting kind of worried. I had not really cried in a few days. I felt numb. I felt empty. I did NOT feel okay, but I did not have tears just under the surface all the time. I felt cried out. But I doubted that I was done crying.
But I am watching Y&R while I am working, and the guy pretending to be Gabriel Bingham, who is really Adam Newman, just told Chelsea that he IS ADAM NEWMAN, and I really want to tell you about it, discuss it with you, share it with you, Mom.
And so that made me cry.
And for all I say about you being in my heart and with me and looking over my shoulder, and all that -- and I mean it -- I feel that, but it's not the same. It's not the same as you and your body being right here or out in Richland where I can call you or go see you.
And I am not sure how to feel about that change of status quo. I am not sure how to understand that loss and move on from it. And I am NOT going to stop watching Y&R even though it may make me bawl like a baby during every episode, and I am not going to stop feeling you with me, and I am going to keep writing this blog because it helps me make sense of this change, and I like to write run on sentences and fragments in my grief, but I have not made sense of it all yet (not the grammar; the loss of you, Mom), and I am not sure if it ever will make sense.
So, just in case you missed it, Mom, Adam just told Chelsea who he really is. I paused the show to write this. I hope this is not another stupid soap opera trick that will get wiped away. I am unpausing now and hope that his confession continues.
Next day, now, Friday 1507.17 - It was not a stupid soap opera trick. Chelsea KNOWS. Wow.
And not to be a broken record, but I miss you, Mom. I miss you. I know this feeling is not unusual or unique, but it is heartfelt, it is true, and it's going to get repeated, a lot.
I miss you, Mom.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
- Days ago = 13 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1507.17 - 10:33