Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #83 - LOL - not Laughing Out Loud

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #83 - LOL - not Laughing Out Loud

Hi Mom,

You know, I try to be a positive person. I do have a tendency to wallow and/or to fixate. I can really grind the gears if I get the bit tight, jammed to the back of my jaw.

But I am sensitive to my own tendencies, and I try not to get too "one note." I do not want to bore people, and I do not like to repeat myself. (ASIDE: Though I will repeat pictures as with the one to the right.)


Also, important to note, the graphic up top. I received the graphic today from Monica Byrne in an email she sent to her supporters. She's an author who was going to write a column on popular culture for WIRED magazine. But then when the WIRED deal was crushed, she decided to crowd fund it and do it herself. She just decided to shift her priorities and re-invest in her fiction and stop the column after two publications. She wrote her supporters to give them the option to cancel their support or to continue to support her fiction writing. In describing her change of heart and mind, she shared the image above, and it really struck me.

I am changing, too. I am re-ordering priorities. And I am re-thinking about grief because I am still experiencing grief, and at times, intensely, hence today's title: LOL, for Layers of Loss.

Yesterday's review of your things and subsequent trip to Meijer uncovered a whole new layer of loss. I thought I was doing all right. I thought I was better than functional. I can joke around, smile, laugh, love, play, and enjoy things. And then, the thought of all your clothes going to the rummage sale, the thought of your clothes no longer being in your closet for you has me rocked. That thought and all the thoughts that have come with it has opened a new layer to the depths of this loss underneath me, and I am trying desperately to find stable footing again. I had been told it would be like this, that grief would be sneaky, that grief would blind side. And I thought I had experienced what those people meant when they said that, understood how covert and unpredictable the grief, the feeling of loss, can be. But then, this. And I don't know how to sort out my feelings, which is probably okay. I am not meant to sort them out, at least not in one day, at least not easily.

And so, a new LOL = Layers Of Loss.

I am still learning.

There are not enough ways for me to express how much I miss you, Mom.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

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- Days ago = 85 days ago


- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1509.27 - 17:08