|Easter - 2012 - Stirmax|
Hi Mom, Another Easter picture. This one from 2012. Not sure where Lori is. Maybe she took the picture? But I don't have any with her in the picture, so maybe she wasn't there? And there's three glasses on the table and three of us in the photo, so...
You were doing your best, but definitely having a low day here. Probably the Supranuclear Bulbar Palsy had already taken hold of you here, even though the diagnosis did not come until 2013.
I miss our dinners. I loved watching you eat. (For readers, this is a post-meningitis thing. I was not really focused on watching my Mom eat before it became part of a care-giving ritual.)
You were amazing in your ability to pack away huge amounts of food after you recovered from the Meningitis. Even up to your death, your rediscovery of ice cream persisted.
I don't have much for today because I don't always want to be working one day behind.
Back to school today after a busy weekend. I finished the taxes yesterday. I jammed my Monday work, but then, tomorrow (which is actually today as I write), I will have Tuesday work.
I have a student in one of my classes who just lost her partner and she is struggling. I was struggling with losing you all summer quite a lot. I think I have absorbed the struggle. It's still there. I am still struggling, but now it's the new normal. I have added the loss to my life as a fact, something I carry with me, something that defines me, like the loss of your mother, Mom, was part of what defined you.
But then there are times when the loss of you peaks for me. But I can't let it cripple me. Life goes on. There's work to do. There's fun to have. There's love to share.
This is what I told the student. There's no timetable for grief, but paralysis cannot continue indefinitely. Eventually, we have to function with the loss, despite the loss, and maybe BECAUSE of the loss.
You taught me that. I can hear you. "Oh Christopher..." You always seemed to "get" me because we're so alike emotionally, you and I, Mom.
I carry on the way you carried on.
Maybe this is my Easter story. And maybe this is how I believe in a resurrection in a symbolic way. It's like I died, too. And then, I am re-born with this loss of you as my companion. But the loss does not end me. And there's spring to remind me of re-birth (which is why Easter is this time of year). It's a reminder. Carry on. We must carry on.
And so, I go.
Reflect and connect.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
- Days ago = 267 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1603.28 - 10:10
NOTE on time: When I post late, I had been posting at 7:10 a.m. because Google is on Pacific Time, and so this is really 10:10 EDT. However, it still shows up on the blog in Pacific time. So, I am going to start posting at 10:10 a.m. Pacific time, intending this to be 10:10 Eastern time. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom. But I am not going back and changing all the 7:10 a.m. times. But I will run this note for a while. Mom, you know that I am posting at 10:10 a.m. often because this is the time of your death.