A Sense of Doubt blog post #4202 - For Now, I am Just Writing FOR ME - Writing Wednesday for 2608.19This time I am not searching for another article to echo what I intend to write. I am just going to share some of my recent thoughts.
When I was in graduate school, I felt that I received a transmission from the source or as I described it "from Pluto."
It was if a story was being transmitted into my head, and I had to stop what I was doing and channel it all out until I reached the conclusion of the transmission. It started when I was driving, so I did not stop driving. Also, I was sober. I was on Gull Road, near the Elias Brothers, and the story beam hit me and flooded my consciousness. Once I got home, and for the next two days, I wrote a sixty-some page story called "Sodium" about three junior high boys who steal sodium from the chemistry lab, take it with them in a row boat, and then drop it in a lake because sodium, pure sodium metal, can explode when it comes in contact with water. The story also depicts a great deal of their lives in junior high, such as the narrator who has a crush on a girl, whom he "saves" when she sucks a rat's tail through a straw in a bottle of milk: the rat had died and was bottled but couldn't be seen through the milk. Yes, they used to sell milk to school kids in small glass bottles, maybe a pint, with foil caps that could be penetrated to insert a straw.
As I transcribed the story -- the writing felt like transcribing a transmission -- I was not writing for publication; I was just writing the story that had possessed me, a story I had to write, a voice inside me that would not be still (Thank you, Sylvia Plath).
Most writers have similar or the exact same experiences though all writers describe the muse, the inspiration, the flow differently. But a frequent through line is this idea of receiving a transmission, being possessed, hearing voices, receiving a boon from the muse, and so on.
And yet, some thoughts of reality can interfere with that muse.
For years, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the market for fiction -- especially fantasy and science fiction -- and eventual publication of the thing I am working on. These thoughts lead to a lot of second guessing as I will read something that upends my own thinking and makes me doubt that my own fiction is unique or original enough to find a home as a published novel.
Last year, I returned to somewhat steady work on my long-time novel project, what I describe as a cyberpunk/Sword & Sorcery epic fantasy with the overarching title of CYBERPSELL. I still don't know what the first book is called, unless it shares the series title. Kind of like how most people refer to Martin's series as GAME OF THRONES and not a SONG OF FIRE AND ICE.
As I explored the market, reading Locus, reading novels and short stories, I started to have those familiar doubts and bouts of second guessing.
Meanwhile, I am re-educating myself to change careers. Writing and being an English teacher always went hand in hand, and, of course, I had fantasies for how publishing a novel (or novels) might affect my teaching position and career. And then because of this career shift, I had a revelation. Stop worrying about publication, the voice said. Just write the book. Write it for me. I am still thinking about a reader as I write but that reader is myself. Later, in revisions, I can think more about readers in general and about publication. For now, I need to stay true to what I want the characters to be, what I want the story to be, the world to be, and just FINISH THE DAMN BOOK.
I have been working on this novel project off and on since 1995. There have been periods when no writing took place because I was putting all my efforts into teaching. There were other periods in which I was working on other, also still unfinished, projects. Through all those years, this novel was the favored project, though one project that consumed me for several years was really a prequel to this novel and so in a sense still part of the CYBERSPELL project.
The first chapter of CYBERSPELL has seen over thirteen drafts. And since returning to work on this novel in earnest, it has undergone significant changes from previous versions and conceptualizations, changes that serve the best interests of the story, the characters, and the world in which they live.
And this realization that I could just write for me has freed my mind from traps of writing for publication, writing to attract readers. The focus on writing for myself satisfies readership in a sense. I am a reader. I am the first reader, and I need to be happy as a reader with what I am doing.
Also, giving up on the goal of publishing removes a lot of pressure to fit the story into a box of what the market is looking for. That lifting of pressure emboldens me to keep writing the story I want to read and not worry so much about other people's stories or expectations for stories.
I may never publish this book, but I am determined to finish it. Maybe I will self-publish it as self-publication is not only more possible these days but has higher regard than ever before.
But for now, the goal is simply to finish it. It's the story I have to write. It may not be a transmission from Pluto, but it has been on my mind, part of my life, for over thirty years. I need to write it; I need to finish it.
And I am making progress toward that goal.
I just needed to write down these thoughts. If you read them, thank you. Thanks for tuning in.
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- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 2608.19 - 10:10
- Days ago: MOM = 4066 days ago & DAD = 720 days ago
- New note - On 1807.06, I ceased daily transmission of my Hey Mom feature after three years of daily conversations. I post Hey Mom blog entries on special occasions. I post the days since ("Days Ago") count on my blog each day, and now I have a second count for Days since my Dad died on August 28, 2024. I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of Mom's death, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of her death and sometimes 13:40 EDT for the time of Dad's death. The blog entry numbering in the title has changed to reflect total Sense of Doubt posts since I began the blog on 0705.04, which include Hey Mom posts, Daily Bowie posts, and Sense of Doubt posts. Hey Mom posts will still be numbered sequentially. New Hey Mom posts will use the same format as all the other Hey Mom posts; all other posts will feature this format seen here.
