Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #30 - one month ago

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #30 - one month ago

Hi Mom,

You died a month ago today. I have scheduled this post to publish at the time of your death: 10:10 a.m. Dad called me at 10:06 a.m. after we had discussed how I may not come out that morning less than an hour before. He said he would call if things changed, and they did change, Mom, swiftly. But maybe this is how you wanted it. You could not cross over with me there with you.

This is one of my favorite pictures of you. I made it the cover of the photo album I am assembling. I took a picture of that album yesterday next to a favorite comic book series that had ended (see yesterday's post on ENDINGS). This picture was taken at Laura Girolami's wedding in 1995. She had cameras on the tables, which was a thing then in the days before selfies and smart phones. I grabbed the camera and snapped this shot of you, Mom, before you could "pose." This is you in your "no, not yet" gesture and yet happy, amused that I am having fun and snapping pictures. Your face is just about to break into a smile. This is one of my favorite ways to think of you as a happy and loving woman, always just about to bust out a beautiful smile.

It's been a month since you died. I am never going to like that previous sentence no matter how many times I write it.

Speaking of emotions, I do not understand anything about this.  Rationally and intellectually, I understand what has happened. But emotionally, I have barely begun to process it all.

It all seems like a bad dream. There's no waking up from it either.

So we have a milestone of sorts. I made it a month, and you have been with me the whole time. I hear your voice. I feel you at my side, sitting on my shoulder, all around me. I made it this far. All I can do is keep going, and make it to September fourth.

I cannot believe it.

How can you be gone? YOU.

I am not sure how long these feelings of disbelief will last.

The world without you in it does not make sense to me, Mom.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

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- Days ago = 31 days ago

- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1508.04 - 10:10 a.m. (same as time of your death)