The Dream of Failure
I have dreamed about theatre my whole life. For many years, the dreams were anxiety-driven dreams of failure.
I would arrive at the theater to find out that I am in a show. Either I did not know I was in the show at all or I did not know opening night was upon us. In all cases, I do not know my lines. In the dream, I am always forced to go on stage, and I fail since I do not know my lines, what to do, or in many cases, I am not even sure what show I am in.
The dreams repeated often through most of the early to middle parts of my life. Failure took various forms, but usually I woke up in a panic before I had to endure too much humiliation, abuse, or pain.
TAKING CONTROL
And then things changed. Maybe ten years ago, maybe longer, I forget, I changed the dream. In this dream, I am conscious, and I am making decisions. A lucid dream? Perhaps.
In this new version dream, I am empowered, not a victim. The first time I had the dream I could choose the outcome. I asked to see the script. In the very few minutes I had before being expected on stage, I learned my first few lines.
Then I went out on stage, and after I had used my learned lines, I began to improvise. The other actors caught on and fed me modified lines that helped set me up. I continued to improvise and the show ended successfully.
What had been a long time dream of failure became a dream of success.
I have had variations of this dream for years now. Sometimes I do not have lucid control, but the dreams remain successful.
NEW VERSION - IT WENT WELL - LET'S PRAISE EVERYONE
And now, as of last night, I had a new version of the dream.
This time I have studied, and I do know my lines.
I knew my lines well enough to get through opening night, but I had anxiety that if I did not keep studying the script, I might lose some of them and fail because I was not able to attend enough rehearsals before the opening.
However, after the show, the cast and crew are passing around a microphone, praising each other and the people involved. I take a turn and deliver an impassioned speech about the unity of working together, the great bonds that have formed, and my love for everyone involved.
Now, the success is communal, about community.
It was one of the happiest dreams I have had in some time.
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- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 2002.29 - 10:10
- Days ago = 1701 days ago
- New note - On 1807.06, I ceased daily transmission of my Hey Mom feature after three years of daily conversations. I plan to continue Hey Mom posts at least twice per week but will continue to post the days since ("Days Ago") count on my blog each day. The blog entry numbering in the title has changed to reflect total Sense of Doubt posts since I began the blog on 0705.04, which include Hey Mom posts, Daily Bowie posts, and Sense of Doubt posts. Hey Mom posts will still be numbered sequentially. New Hey Mom posts will use the same format as all the other Hey Mom posts; all other posts will feature this format seen here.
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