A Sense of Doubt blog post #3950 - Letter to Dad #014 - Talking to You As I Do Things

My Birthday 1977

A Sense of Doubt blog post #3950 - Letter to Dad #014 - Talking to You As I Do Things


Hi Big Guy, I have scanned more pictures, such as the one above, which I took with the camera you and Mom gave me for Christmas in 1977. Since my birthday in January, before the rest of your birthdays, you are 41 in this picture, Mom is 40, and Lori is six.

I wish I had more pictures of you. Since you were often behind the camera, we have fewer pictures of you. This is a great photo of all three of you as you are all happy and having fun. You are posing in a very unique way, Dad. I love it!!

Today's topic is talking to you as I do things. I didn't do this when Mom died because I just transferred my talking to her to talking with you. Now, with you gone, too, I talk to both of you as I do things, sometimes together, sometimes separately, as an extension of talking to myself.

Some might call it "positive self-talk." This topic came up in the counseling intensive, pre-practicum that I started today.

I actually talk to the dogs as much as I talk to you, or Mom.

But really, it's all the same. Talking to the dogs, you, Mom, it's all self-talk, working out problems by talking to myself.

There are other times that I need your help. I need a sign: "What should I do next, Dad?" or "How do I solve this problem, Big Guy?"

Like when I was trying to unclog the bathroom sink drain and the cheap, plastic stopper mechanism broke all apart as I removed it.

Since I had to leave my day job back in April (essentially, technically June), I am home a lot with the dogs and my thoughts and ghosts of you and Mom. And I have limited people to talk to, so I talk to you, Mom, but mostly the dogs.

Sometimes I wonder if I am becoming like a crazy cat lady, except with dogs and ghosts.

But I am not a shut-in. I get out of the house, often multiple times a week and always for at least one day of errand running.

This is not earth-shattering content. I am sure my experience is not unique. But it's what I wanted to share today.

Also, this: 

First of all, I am ravenous. I am not sure why. I had a pizza delivered last night via DOOR DASH to eat while I played D&D, and I ate all but two pieces, which I am finishing now after just eating PB-crackers and two fortune cookies.

In other news, I found a new way to manage anxiety. Every morning when I get up, I feed the dogs breakfast, which can take up to 30 minutes for various reasons mostly having to do with having to hold Ellory’s bowl for her. She can eat half her breakfast without help but then wants me to hold the bowl and stroke her head for the second half, which can drag out as she walks away and then comes back multiple times. If we didn’t have two other HOGS (not dogs, HOGS), then I could just leave the food out and let her eat when she wants.

Anyway, I get anxiety because I want to have my juice and get my coffee and sit with my laptop and do my light treatment. So, then, I wondered how it would be if I delayed feeding them breakfast until after my 60 minutes of light therapy by which time I have had plenty of coffee as I get up after the first thirty minutes for a second cup.

Satchel is a little upset but I expected more histrionics. Ellory sometimes stays upstairs in bed for most of that hour!! Essel often won’t eat until after Ellory because she’s waiting to finish whatever Ellory doesn’t eat and wants at the dish before Satchel swoops in. However, this morning I motivated them all by putting cut up chicken on their breakfast, and Essel ate right away. Later, I gave her Ellory’s remains and suddenly Satchel swooped in and Essel backed off. Satchel is the alpha, which is interesting given that the others might take her in a fight.

Anyway, figured you might be amused at my dog story.

My anxiety is better in the morning now, though for the next four mornings, I am going to have to feed them first thing because I have to be at my desktop PC by 7 a.m. UGH.

Love you, Bug Guy.

More next week.

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- Bloggery committed by chris tower -2512.11 - 10:10

- Days ago: MOM = 3814 days ago & DAD = 469 days ago

- New note - On 1807.06, I ceased daily transmission of my Hey Mom feature after three years of daily conversations. I post Hey Mom blog entries on special occasions. I post the days since ("Days Ago") count on my blog each day, and now I have a second count for Days since my Dad died on August 28, 2024. I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of Mom's death, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of her death and sometimes 13:40 EDT for the time of Dad's death. The blog entry numbering in the title has changed to reflect total Sense of Doubt posts since I began the blog on 0705.04, which include Hey Mom posts, Daily Bowie posts, and Sense of Doubt posts. Hey Mom posts will still be numbered sequentially. New Hey Mom posts will use the same format as all the other Hey Mom posts; all other posts will feature this format seen here.