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| Easter - 1998 |
A Sense of Doubt blog post #4058 - Easter Memories - Reprint from 2016
Feeling better but still not fully recovered from whatever this is. It's bad.
So here's two reprints in one post from 2016, the first full year of HEY MOM.
It's not Easter yet, but close enough.
Thanks for tuning in.
LINKS TO THE ORIGINALS
WARNING: If you're Christian, this content may upset you. Honesty ensues. I am sorry if it bothers you. But each of us exists and performs according to his or her own gifts. We must all find our own way.
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #264 - Easter
Hi Mom,
I love you.
I am missing you a lot today.
Every holiday is going to be tough.
You loved Easter.
I am keeping this post short.
I could write a huge diatribe about religion, but I want to post a short one today as I don't need a lot of extra verbiage to make the point I want to make.
I am not sure I believe in the God you believed in.
I am not sure that YOU believed in the God you had believed in any more by the time you died. You were pretty angry with God for a few years for paralyzing you, though you had made peace with your situation long before the Supranuclear Bulbar Palsy stole you from us.
Though I spoke to God quite a bit in the post-meningitis years, I was never sure if the God I was speaking to existed.
I know I don't believe in Jesus Christ as my savior and the whole resurrection story.
Readers who do believe these things, sorry. I am just being honest. I worry that my sister will look at this one, and I feel like I am letting her down. She believes all these things; I just don't.
Anyway, by saying that I am not sure I believe in God and do not believe in Christ the savior, I am NOT saying that I believe in nothing. I have a beliefs category and I just shared some of my beliefs in Hey Mom #260.
I believe in many things.
But most of all, I believe in you, Mom.
Whatever exists after we die, if God exists as the Christians define him (which is a huge generalization as there are so many different conceptions among different Christians), if Christ exists as savior, if Christ existed as a historical figure, if Heaven exists, if Hell exists, if all these things exist, I have no idea, but I know one thing. You existed Mom. You were flesh and blood and you love me. I love you. AND you still exist. Call it a spirit, a soul, energy, whatever, you still exist. I FEEL you, and I can believe in that feeling.
I believe in you, Mom.
"And I believe in love" (Indigo Girls lyric, see yesterday's post).
Reflect and connect.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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- Days ago = 266 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1603.27 - 10:10
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #265 - Easter pt.two
Hi Mom, Another Easter picture. This one from 2012. Not sure where Lori is. Maybe she took the picture? But I don't have any with her in the picture, so maybe she wasn't there? And there's three glasses on the table and three of us in the photo, so...
You were doing your best, but definitely having a low day here. Probably the Supranuclear Bulbar Palsy had already taken hold of you here, even though the diagnosis did not come until 2013.
I miss our dinners. I loved watching you eat. (For readers, this is a post-meningitis thing. I was not really focused on watching my Mom eat before it became part of a care-giving ritual.)
You were amazing in your ability to pack away huge amounts of food after you recovered from the Meningitis. Even up to your death, your rediscovery of ice cream persisted.
I don't have much for today because I don't always want to be working one day behind.
Back to school today after a busy weekend. I finished the taxes yesterday. I jammed my Monday work, but then, tomorrow (which is actually today as I write), I will have Tuesday work.
I have a student in one of my classes who just lost her partner and she is struggling. I was struggling with losing you all summer quite a lot. I think I have absorbed the struggle. It's still there. I am still struggling, but now it's the new normal. I have added the loss to my life as a fact, something I carry with me, something that defines me, like the loss of your mother, Mom, was part of what defined you.
But then there are times when the loss of you peaks for me. But I can't let it cripple me. Life goes on. There's work to do. There's fun to have. There's love to share.
This is what I told the student. There's no timetable for grief, but paralysis cannot continue indefinitely. Eventually, we have to function with the loss, despite the loss, and maybe BECAUSE of the loss.
You taught me that. I can hear you. "Oh Christopher..." You always seemed to "get" me because we're so alike emotionally, you and I, Mom.
I carry on the way you carried on.
Maybe this is my Easter story. And maybe this is how I believe in a resurrection in a symbolic way. It's like I died, too. And then, I am re-born with this loss of you as my companion. But the loss does not end me. And there's spring to remind me of re-birth (which is why Easter is this time of year). It's a reminder. Carry on. We must carry on.
And so, I go.
LINKS TO THE ORIGINALS
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Monday, March 28, 2016
WARNING: If you're Christian, this content may upset you. Honesty ensues. I am sorry if it bothers you. But each of us exists and performs according to his or her own gifts. We must all find our own way.
|
| Easter - 1998 |
Hi Mom,
I love you.
I am missing you a lot today.
Every holiday is going to be tough.
You loved Easter.
I am keeping this post short.
I could write a huge diatribe about religion, but I want to post a short one today as I don't need a lot of extra verbiage to make the point I want to make.
I am not sure I believe in the God you believed in.
I am not sure that YOU believed in the God you had believed in any more by the time you died. You were pretty angry with God for a few years for paralyzing you, though you had made peace with your situation long before the Supranuclear Bulbar Palsy stole you from us.
Though I spoke to God quite a bit in the post-meningitis years, I was never sure if the God I was speaking to existed.
I know I don't believe in Jesus Christ as my savior and the whole resurrection story.
Readers who do believe these things, sorry. I am just being honest. I worry that my sister will look at this one, and I feel like I am letting her down. She believes all these things; I just don't.
Anyway, by saying that I am not sure I believe in God and do not believe in Christ the savior, I am NOT saying that I believe in nothing. I have a beliefs category and I just shared some of my beliefs in Hey Mom #260.I believe in many things.
But most of all, I believe in you, Mom.
Whatever exists after we die, if God exists as the Christians define him (which is a huge generalization as there are so many different conceptions among different Christians), if Christ exists as savior, if Christ existed as a historical figure, if Heaven exists, if Hell exists, if all these things exist, I have no idea, but I know one thing. You existed Mom. You were flesh and blood and you love me. I love you. AND you still exist. Call it a spirit, a soul, energy, whatever, you still exist. I FEEL you, and I can believe in that feeling.
I believe in you, Mom.
"And I believe in love" (Indigo Girls lyric, see yesterday's post).
Reflect and connect.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
- Days ago = 266 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1603.27 - 10:10
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| Easter - 2012 - Stirmax |
Hi Mom, Another Easter picture. This one from 2012. Not sure where Lori is. Maybe she took the picture? But I don't have any with her in the picture, so maybe she wasn't there? And there's three glasses on the table and three of us in the photo, so...
You were doing your best, but definitely having a low day here. Probably the Supranuclear Bulbar Palsy had already taken hold of you here, even though the diagnosis did not come until 2013.
I miss our dinners. I loved watching you eat. (For readers, this is a post-meningitis thing. I was not really focused on watching my Mom eat before it became part of a care-giving ritual.)
You were amazing in your ability to pack away huge amounts of food after you recovered from the Meningitis. Even up to your death, your rediscovery of ice cream persisted.
I don't have much for today because I don't always want to be working one day behind.
Back to school today after a busy weekend. I finished the taxes yesterday. I jammed my Monday work, but then, tomorrow (which is actually today as I write), I will have Tuesday work.
I have a student in one of my classes who just lost her partner and she is struggling. I was struggling with losing you all summer quite a lot. I think I have absorbed the struggle. It's still there. I am still struggling, but now it's the new normal. I have added the loss to my life as a fact, something I carry with me, something that defines me, like the loss of your mother, Mom, was part of what defined you.
But then there are times when the loss of you peaks for me. But I can't let it cripple me. Life goes on. There's work to do. There's fun to have. There's love to share.
This is what I told the student. There's no timetable for grief, but paralysis cannot continue indefinitely. Eventually, we have to function with the loss, despite the loss, and maybe BECAUSE of the loss.
You taught me that. I can hear you. "Oh Christopher..." You always seemed to "get" me because we're so alike emotionally, you and I, Mom.
I carry on the way you carried on.
Maybe this is my Easter story. And maybe this is how I believe in a resurrection in a symbolic way. It's like I died, too. And then, I am re-born with this loss of you as my companion. But the loss does not end me. And there's spring to remind me of re-birth (which is why Easter is this time of year). It's a reminder. Carry on. We must carry on.
And so, I go.
Reflect and connect.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
- Days ago = 267 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1603.28 - 10:10
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - date - time
- Days ago: MOM = ## days ago & DAD = ## days ago
- New note - On 1807.06, I ceased daily transmission of my Hey Mom feature after three years of daily conversations. I post Hey Mom blog entries on special occasions. I post the days since ("Days Ago") count on my blog each day, and now I have a second count for Days since my Dad died on August 28, 2024. I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of Mom's death, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of her death and sometimes 13:40 EDT for the time of Dad's death. The blog entry numbering in the title has changed to reflect total Sense of Doubt posts since I began the blog on 0705.04, which include Hey Mom posts, Daily Bowie posts, and Sense of Doubt posts. Hey Mom posts will still be numbered sequentially. New Hey Mom posts will use the same format as all the other Hey Mom posts; all other posts will feature this format seen here.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
- Days ago = 267 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1603.28 - 10:10
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - date - time
- Days ago: MOM = ## days ago & DAD = ## days ago
- New note - On 1807.06, I ceased daily transmission of my Hey Mom feature after three years of daily conversations. I post Hey Mom blog entries on special occasions. I post the days since ("Days Ago") count on my blog each day, and now I have a second count for Days since my Dad died on August 28, 2024. I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of Mom's death, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of her death and sometimes 13:40 EDT for the time of Dad's death. The blog entry numbering in the title has changed to reflect total Sense of Doubt posts since I began the blog on 0705.04, which include Hey Mom posts, Daily Bowie posts, and Sense of Doubt posts. Hey Mom posts will still be numbered sequentially. New Hey Mom posts will use the same format as all the other Hey Mom posts; all other posts will feature this format seen here.
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