Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1088 - At The Pool 1972 -Throwback Thursday 1806.28

at the pool - circa - 1972?

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1088 - At The Pool 1972 - Throwback Thursday 1806.28

Hi Mom,

I am conflicted.

I have dropped comments on the blog that I am considering ending DAILY Hey Mom production soon, possibly at the three-year mark of the feature, which will be July 6th, 2018. Though at that point, I will be very close to 1100 entries, so I am considering going for the more milestone like number, rather than 1096 entries.

Mom Dad and Lori Long Lake 1971

However, that said, I am not planning to stop the feature completely. I plan to do at least one HEY MOM post per week (probably this one, Throwback Thursday) and others as they seem appropriate. And so, for this reason, the number at which I stop the daily production seems rather arbitrary.

However, the conflict is not really about the stopping point or the number, but rather whether I should stop at all. I like writing to you, Mom, though I will freely admit that it is not serving the grief-salving remedy it served three years ago. I am better. I am okay. I still miss you, but I do not need to make a public spectacle of missing you so much.

Also, I am beginning to use the blog as a means to serve up professional content. Though writing to you, Mom, may be something to which many can relate, it may also have an opposite effect with some people, which is reason alone to abandon the feature, at least as a daily broadcast.

Long Lake dinner 1971

But I keep waffling. When I began this project, like the T-shirts one, I thought I would stop after a year. But it didn't FEEL right. It was my sister who suggested that I didn't need to stop. I could keep going. Two years on from that discussion and three years total, here we are. In discussions with a few others about the possibility of stopping this feature, I said I would stop when it "FELT RIGHT." It did not "feel right" at the end of year one, and it did not feel right at the end of year two, not because I felt like I was still in the process of actively grieving. (Well, maybe after a year I was still actively grieving but not after the second year mark.) By then, I felt okay. By the two year mark, I had stopped the coping mechanisms, such as my phone alarm set to the time of your death every day and a few other things I did to keep your spirit alive, or maybe to best connect with your spirit, acknowledge your spirit's presence in my life.

Since January, I have felt that I was ready to let go of this last coping mechanism, this tribute, this activity. But I also realized that I did not want to cease the daily production of some blog event, whether it be a sharing of someone else's content, a re-post of my own content, or some other special feature that was somewhat light on original content. I like being a daily blogger. I need this outlet.

Me Dad and Lori Memorial Day 1972

The idea of stopping daily transmission of the HEY MOM feature in some ways feels like a betrayal of you and of our relationship, Mom, and so in that way, it does not "FEEL RIGHT." The source of these feelings? I am operating at an intuitive level with this decision, at the level where I feel your spirit with me, at the level where the deeper connections feel fast and true.

As for the picture at the top, I do not know when it was taken as my Dad's record keeping in file naming is not as precise as I would like it to be. I have no idea what pool we are in or where, but judging from my sister's apparent age and my mother's lack of grey, I place the photo around 1972 give or take one-two years. It's a good photo, and though not strictly about summer-time -- as that is clearly an indoor pool -- it makes me think of family vacations which, for the most part, were a summer thing.

Also, and this will probably be the subject of tomorrow's post, you were actively dying three years ago right now. It was a long road, though not as long as the road others have traveled with other actively dying loved ones. Maybe ten days? I may have a better recounting of the sequence of events elsewhere on the blog, which may be in my post tomorrow, though I am not going to look for it now.

That said, I have been thinking about you and your death (as well as your life as well as the rest of the life that I feel you were cheated out of) a great deal lately. I do miss you, Mom, and if I let myself the pain can grow more intense, though not quite as raw as it was that first year.

So, what am I going to do about the blog feature?

I don't know.

Fortunately, I have another week to think about it.

Mom and Me Tug's Boat 4.5 yrs-1966

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Reflect and connect.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you, Mom.

I miss you so very much, Mom.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

- Days ago = 1090 days ago

- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1806.28 - 10:10

NEW (written 1708.27) NOTE on time: I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of your death, Mom, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of your death, Mom. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom.