A Sense of Doubt blog post #3824 - REVENGE - To Have It Or Not?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” ~ Confucius
Recently, a situation occurred in my life for which I feel I have been betrayed by people I considered friends. The details do not matter. What matters is that I was very hurt by what happened, and so I contemplated striking back at those who hurt me. I fantasized about the various means at my disposal to serve retribution, hurting those who hurt me.
But I stopped myself from following through on any of those fantasies.
Vengeful. That's not who I am.
This choice feels healthy and right.
When I contemplate getting revenge on those who have wronged me, I am always reminded of the words from the closing of the church services through some of my childhood, teen, and early adult years:
Since my main guiding principle is kindness and THE GOLDEN RULE (treating others as I would like to be treated), as satisfying as it may feel in the short term, seeking revenge violates my main belief system. It's not who I am.
It's funny (like a weird coincidence "funny") that when I conceived of this post, I receive this email from SLATE, proclaiming that it's "Revenge Week."
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Seeking Revenge: Its Causes, Impact, and Challenge
Seeking revenge may be an initial reaction, but it only creates further pain.
Posted November 25, 2023 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- Seeking revenge may lead to a cycle of seeking revenge.
- Revengeful thoughts and behavior are a temporary distraction from underlying suffering.
- There are many factors that challenge letting go of revenge, including certain cultural influences.
- Moving past revenge frees up energy to direct attention to personal goals and aspirations.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” ~ Confucius
Carla was referred to my anger-management class after being involved in a physical altercation with Regina, a driver who rear-ended her car during rush hour traffic. Although not injured, Carla was startled and immediately jumped out of the car to see the damage to her car. Regina simultaneously left her car. Carla’s car experienced major damage to the bumper as well as a huge dent to the rear of the trunk.
As their tempers soared, the two women yelled at each other and. Regina slapped Carla, who in turn, became more infuriated. Without restraint, Carla punched Regina to the ground and then kicked her in the stomach and head. Carla was subsequently arrested for aggravated assault. “I wasn’t going to let her get away with what she did to me, especially in front of that crowd!”
The cycle of revenge
Revenge is personal, powerfully driven by emotion. The motivation for revenge might be initially fueled by anger, but it is ultimately powered by anticipated satisfaction or enjoyment. A powerful driving force for revenge is the belief that acting out the desire for revenge will provide an emotional release, that it will help us feel better.
However, studies have found that while there may be initial satisfaction, revenge actually perpetuates the pain of the original offense (Price, 2009). Additionally, it often creates a cycle of retaliation, with the victim citing the most recent offense as yet another justification for further revenge. In effect, revengeful feelings and behaviors only train the brain to become more vulnerable to seek revenge.
This cycle was already a part of Carla’s past, influencing her quickness to be emotionally overwhelmed and to seek revenge. Prior to her recent altercation, she had endured many wounds about which she carried much resentment and hostility. Not having sufficiently mourned and grieved these wounds, Carla was left more vulnerable to impulsively react rather than respond to a grievance. In effect, the encounter with Regina was a “last straw” triggering event that catapulted her into her emotionally driven reaction, lacking the restraint of rational judgment.
Carla’s outrage fueled her initial behavior, but it was in fact motivated by a need to feel powerful vs powerless, adequate vs inadequate, and secure vs vulnerable. The fact that a small crowd had assembled further influenced Carla’s need to inflate her ego, boosting her self-perception in the eyes of the onlookers.
The motivation for revenge
Seeking revenge is often an initial human response to wounds incurred at the hands of others. When focusing on revenge, we may be driven by a sense of rectifying whatever has caused pain.
However, focusing on revenge is a distraction from fully experiencing the pain resulting from the offense. Ruminating about or acting on revenge involves a temporary orientation of our attention outward that competes with and overshadows our turning inward. Yet, it is only when we turn inward that we encounter the intense suffering regarding what has happened.
The comparative suffering hypothesis holds that victims of an offense receive satisfaction when they experience the offender as suffering. The understanding hypothesis states that revenge can only be satisfactory when the offender understands it as a response to his behavior. One study found that the understanding hypothesis was more often the driving force regarding victim satisfaction (Gollwitzer, Meder, Schmitt, 2010). Some observe that the primary satisfaction of revenge occurs when the offender shows an expression of pain (Eder, Mitschke, Gollwitzer, 2020).
Carla could have focused her attention on seeking punishment rather than revenge. While revenge might be viewed as the same as punishment, punishment is often an objective consequence for a behavior, sometimes assigned by a third party. For example, insurance companies might assess the collision and assign responsibility to one of the drivers. The courts might be involved in order to determine responsibility for the accident as well as to determine consequences for any physical altercation.
Holding onto thoughts of revenge is often a derivative of holding onto anger. I’ve found this to be true with almost all of my clients who experience trait anger—an ongoing disposition toward anger and hostility. Additionally, some victims of a transgression are more likely to be vengeful when they are highly anxious or depressed (Barcaccia, Salvati, Pallini, et. al., 2022).
Challenges to letting go of revenge
There are certainly contrasting opinions about the justification for revenge. We could follow phrases such as “an eye for an eye”. We could cite the many historical examples of individuals acting out their revenge, even when it resulted in greater suffering for them in the long term. This is another aspect of attention to revenge: It can blind us to the long-term impact on ourselves. In effect, taking revenge may not ultimately be in our best interest overall.
The problem is that revenge provides only a short-lived satisfaction. It does not really make up for the suffering we may experience and in fact only prolongs the enduring suffering of the original offense.
We live in a culture in which many individuals are currently focused on anger and revenge, a culture that emphasizes action rather than reflection, being impulsive rather than thoughtful, and quick to globally blame others for all of their suffering. This is further endorsed by political movements that thrive on anger and revenge. In fact, vengeful tendencies have been linked with two social attitudes: right-wing authoritarianism and social dominance and the motivational values that underlie these attitudes (McKee and Feather, 2008). As McKee states, individuals with such attitudes "tend to be less forgiving, less benevolent, and less focused on universal-connectedness-type values."
Moving beyond revenge
Reducing a tendency for revenge may be extremely challenging. It entails consciously mourning and grieving our pain with the intention that we can move on in our lives even though we’ve experienced a wound.
Some of my clients have stated that they often ask themselves what a religious or spiritual leader would identify as a guideline for their thoughts and behavior. Others think of loved ones and how being fueled by thoughts and behaviors regarding revenge make them less able to be present with them. Some strive to become their best selves. Those who practice self-compassion may evoke their wisdom to help them decide how best to manage a given situation.
Letting go of the desire for revenge requires strengthening our rational brain to override our emotional brain, an ability to show restraint even while we may wish for revenge. It calls for strengthening our capacity for forgiveness—of ourselves and others. This requires ongoing self-monitoring and commitment to change and, by doing so, developing a new default reaction to experiencing wounds. Additionally, channeling our attention toward the satisfaction of our personal core goals and aspirations frees us from bearing the weight of revenge. It helps us to move on in our lives—in spite of our wounds.
References
Price, M. (2009). Revenge and the people who seek it. Monitor, Vol. 40, (6), 34
Gollwitzer, M., Meder, M., and Schmitt, M. (2010). What gives victims satisfaction when they seek revenge? European Journal of Social Psychology, Vol. 41 (3), 364-374
Eder, A., Mitschke, V., and Gollwitzer, M. (2020). What stops revenge taking? Effects of observed emotional reactions on revenge seeking. Aggressive Behavior, Vol. 46 (4), 305-316
Barcaccia, B., Salvati, M., Pallini, S., et. al., (2022) The bitter taste of revenge: Negative affect, depression and anxiety. Current Psychology, Vol. 41 (4), 10.1007/s12144-020-00643-1
https://www.npr.org/2025/06/12/1254056479/what-seeking-revenge-does-to-our-brains
What Seeking Revenge Does To Our Brains
When someone hurts us, we might feel wounded or sad. We might feel angry and defensive. But sometimes those feelings turn into something more dangerous: a desire for revenge.
Wanting to right a perceived wrong is normal. But neuroscientists are now finding that revenge-seeking behavior can be a form of addiction.
Why does hurting those who have hurt us make us feel good, at least in the moment? And why does getting back at someone often backfire?
When someone hurts or betrays you, you might feel the urge to cause them distress in return, but take it from us - that is never a good idea.
Here are 7 reasons why seeking revenge is a bad idea:
1. It won't make you feel better.
It was Shakespeare that said, "If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?" Revenge might seem like a logical - even inevitable reaction. You might be thinking that it will also provide great relief from the pain that you are feeling or some sort of satisfaction.
Sadly, evidence shows that people who seek revenge instead of forgiving or letting go, tend to feel worse in the long run. You are much better off channelling your energy into moving forward positively with your life.
2. In fact, it might make you feel worse.
I hate to break it to you, but if you consider yourself to be a decent human being, causing someone else distress or pain (whether you think they are deserving of it or not) might not put the smile on your face you were hoping for. In fact, it might make you feel worse; you might feel guilty, upset, regretful - and these kinds of feelings tend to linger and weigh heavy on your conscience.
While you might feel hurt or betrayed right now, eventually you will be able to put those feelings behind you, but if you burden your conscience with guilt, you are more likely to ruminate over your actions - this makes moving on much harder and only puts your life on hold.
3. It could backfire.
Gandhi once said, "An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind." Think about the repercussions of your actions - you might end up in trouble with a teacher or parent for seeking revenge. You might even put yourself in harm's way.
What can really be gained? It is far better to save yourself from the possibility of further trauma. Focus on the good things in your life and look at how you can move forward, putting the person who hurt you firmly in the past.
4. You are wasting precious time.
Not to sound cliche but life is short! Do you really want to waste your precious time on someone that doesn't deserve it? Think of all the fun things you could be doing instead of acting like Mr. Burns and plotting, planning and focusing your energy on the negative.
How can you make way for new, positive experiences if you are preoccupied with wreaking havoc?
5. Because, karma.
Whether you believe in it or not, karma makes a much better friend than a foe - make sure to keep on the right side of it:
6. Two wrongs don't make a right.
Fact. Seeking revenge isn't going to undo the actions of the person who has wronged you. So do the right thing, be the bigger person - you will be glad you did so in the long run.
7. You could get caught in an endless revenge loop.
So, you seek revenge on the person who hurt you. They then take revenge on your revenge...and the cycle continues. Make sure you don't get caught in a loop, it will only cause you further pain and hurt. Try and leave negativity and people who bring you down in the past. They are not worth your time and energy.
So, is revenge worth it? No. Never.
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