Though the current project started as a series of posts charting my grief journey after the death of my mother, I am no longer actively grieving. Now, the blog charts a conversation in living, mainly whatever I want it to be. This is an activity that goes well with the theme of this blog (updated 2018). The Sense of Doubt blog is dedicated to my motto: EMBRACE UNCERTAINTY. I promote questioning everything because just when I think I know something is concrete, I find out that it’s not.
Hey, Mom! The Explanation.
Here's the permanent dedicated link to my first Hey, Mom! post and the explanation of the feature it contains.
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #142 - Happy Thanksgiving, Mom
Hi Mom,
I could make this a really long entry. I am thinking a lot about you today.
The picture up top is from our first Thanksgiving in the St.Antoine house. The picture to the left of this text is from last year.
I am thankful for you, Mom. I am thankful for everything you gave me, taught me, showed me, and for your love, your appreciation, your show of pride, so much.
We enjoyed many Thanksgiving days together, and you were generally tolerant of my desire to keep football on TV.
I am thankful for my parents, my sister, my brother-in-law, my wife, my kids, my dog, my cat, so many things, people, and blessings.
I am thinking about how lucky I am, how grateful I am to the universe, to my wife, to you and Dad, Mom.
I wish you were here to kiss and show you how thankful I am.
I am missing you a lot this year.
I just want to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving.
And, no, I am not celebrating colonization and mass genocide. This holiday can also be just about family no matter what the original event.
I wish you were here, Mom.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
I went to see SPECTRE with Dad yesterday at Alamo Drafthouse. We always talk about you when we do stuff like that, how we did some of those things with you, how we still might if you were alive, and if you had not developed the degenerative palsy.
Did you think Daniel Craig was sexy?
The movie did not fare to well with critics (see image below - I am stealing from Google today), but I don't care. I enjoyed it. Sure, there were flaws in the plot and many standard, stock Bond schlock, but that's why I went to a Bond film. Come on, Man!
I think my critical capability has diminished. I just don't care so much any more about the finer points. I just care about escape, entertainment value, getting my Bond's dollar's worth. I am not interested in giving it too close of a judgement as a "film." But then, I have found myself very forgiving of Jar Jar Binks and The Phantom Menace, which many people are not. Lots of that has to do with going the other way. There is so much Jar Jar and Phantom Hate that I have to go the other way.
Still, 64%? 60%? Harsh. 7.2 is closer to reality.
Really, it's not my critical capability that's diminished. It's my capacity to care about it that's changed. I do not care to invoke the critical thinking all the time. Sometimes, unless something is dreadful and painful to watch, I just want to enjoy it without spoiling it with criticism. This is an idea that my women's studies students never grasped regardless of how often I described it. In the gender criticism class, we were there TO BE CRITICAL, that was our whole raison d'etre. If you want to let art flow over you, and just enjoy it, go be somewhere else and not in a class dedicated to criticism of media for their gender messages in their media products.
I am not crazy about Léa Seydoux. But that's my own personal bias. Her acting was superb. She's beautiful, if that's the look one likes. Her love scene with Bond was pretty hot. But for me, I am not so attracted to that look, and since I am attracted to Bond films based on this "Oggle Factor," this is a negative for me.
Making Madeleine Swann a bad ass with guns and able to hold her own in a fight was definitely a great choice. But I was more excited to see Monica Bellucci in the film. Just a personal preference. Though I was very pleased to see a much older than average woman in a "Bond Girl" role.
Seydoux just doesn't do it for me.
I have a blonde bias.
But this is a cool photo of her with a gun.
But the film is gorgeous visually. The opening gambit with its Day of the Dead scene alone is worth the price of admission.
Beautiful scenes, and a huge location shoot.
I was also pleased to see the attention to Bond lore, IE. Vesper Lynd from Casino Royale and the big reveal of the identity of
SPOILER ALERT
Ernst Stavro Blofeld as the actual identity of Franz Oberhauser, who is also James Bond's adopted brother.
There's been a lot of criticism of this choice, but it tied up neatly some Bond stuff for me, and I liked it well enough. Much of the criticism (see HIT FIX review) stems from how the team making this Bond film played the Internet rumor mill and so people are pissed to be fooled. Given that I have ignored the Internet rumor mill (as we all should), I don't care. It's neat that we now know who Blofeld really is. Hit Fix is also oversimplifying Blofeld's motivations. He's a power hungry psychopath. Do all psychopaths need complex motivations for being psychopaths?
In the end, Bond throws away his gun to be with the new woman of his dreams, but he did not kill Blofeld/Oberhauser, leaving the door open for more films, though maybe not with Daniel Craig, as this is his "Swan Song," which may be why the new love interest's name is Swann?
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #139 - Bloggy Recap #9
Hi Mom,
I have been busy with work and homework, but I felt it was time to do a bit of reflection, Mom, which maybe I will drag into a two or three parter just to ease my posting obligations.
I named this "Bloggy Recap #9" because it's like "Revolution 9" by the Beatles, kind of a catch-all, a collage, an alternative.
But also short because I am hammered with work and studies.
Work and studies lead me to my main point. The blog work here has gotten away from me a bit. My theme is no theme, really, because after all, this was only meant to continue my daily phone calls with you, Mom. But some days, I do not have the time to write properly what I would like to express. And some days I post an "under construction" entry (as this was until I finished it) or I post nothing and then back date the work, which I am very grateful that Blogger allows me to do.
Entries that form a series like the recent "Seven Songs in Seven Days" group make a nice set and allow for easy content. I started with Scotland posts, and I need to make that an easy go to subject when I am pressed for time. A picture and a short note is all that's needed for a nice, little Scotland entry. I had made notes for other regular features, but I struggle to make them rotate regularly, just like I could not post Seven Songs in seven CONSECUTIVE days.
Still, I am somewhat impressed with how varied I am with my content given that I am often thinking up something to feature on the fly and posting in haste, in the future, or incompletely. Partly, I did not want to get into a regular pattern because I do not want to lose that element of improvisation that is very much how my phone calls were with you, Mom. I only decided what to say after I called.
I did make a list of types of entries to feature, and I do want to return to that work on subjects like your Memorial Service and the last years of your life, Mom. One of the strengths of my T-shirt blog project is that I was often able to work ahead and develop an entry over many days or weeks until I was ready to post it. I have tried to follow suit here, but I fall behind. I do not want the average entry length on this blog to approach the huge treatises I composed for T-shirts, but I do like the idea of getting ahead better and noodling away on entries in between work on other projects. I am trying to be better at task switching, which is not always possible when I have limited time and will be leaving the house, meaning I have to make the most of every minute to get done what needs to be done.
But I do promise better content. Some posts will be short. Some posts will feature mainly a photo and very little text. And some posts will be longer and more substantial. In fact, I may re-post (with revisions, edits, abbreviations, and modifications) content from the T-Shirts blog that I liked or that connects to something in the now.
These are my current thoughts on content, Mom. But content will not stray completely from you and things you would want to hear about since I know you're with me, you're listening.
I leave you now with the Eye of Horus. It's about math. I have a test Tuesday.
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #138 - Two for Liesel - Seven Songs - "Just Like Heaven" and "Veloruia"
Hi Mom, This is my last in the seven songs in seven days series but not on consecutive days because I am slow. It's a bit of a cheat as this entry features two songs, but
Liesel earned her master's degree, and we celebrated with a dinner at the Park Club. I know you know this, Mom, because I sensed you sitting right there with us.
Piper and Adam
at the dinner
I thought this would be an ideal occasion to write a few words about my amazing wife and to share our songs (as we have two).
My wife saved my life, as you know well, Mom, as you were there. Not literally but in a figurative sense. She opened a world to me (love and marriage) that I thought was closed to me. I can never thank her enough for loving me, and marrying me, and I never forget what a special blessing and privilege this relationship is for me.
But Liesel also inspires me. She went back to school in the way she does everything, with a spirit of curiosity and a passion for learning. We are both life-long learners; we share the passion for learning.
There were times of intense anxiety. She threatened to quit many times. There were long hours and hardships, but in the end, my wife Liesel finished a master's degree in nursing, officially a Master's of Science in Nursing, and she did so really, pretty easily, because she is smart, capable, disciplined, and an extremely hard worker. She's also funny as Hell.
She wrote this poem to commemorate her graduation:
A little graduation humor based upon Langston Hughes' Harlem (What Happens to a Dream Deferred?)
What happens to a degree conferred?
Does it get hung on the wall
like an insect behind glass?
Or stifle in a box-
a relic of the past?
Does it fade in sunlight?
Or turn brown and decay-
like an old photo might?
Maybe it just crumples
like a forgotten receipt.
Or does it simply look sweet?
Ivan and Olivia
at the dinner
Also, my wife and I share musical tastes. I knew both these songs prior to meeting her, but I had not examined the lyrics too closely. Also, I had not heard Katie Melua's cover of the Cure song, which is actually the version I now prefer.
BG, my Dad, at
Liesel's dinner
These are beautiful lyrics with obvious connection to our love story: "Spinning on that dizzy edge, I kissed her face and kissed her head, And dreamed of all the different ways I had' To make her glow, "Why are you so far away?" she said, "Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you, That I'm in love with you.""
But also, this, which is a bit less optimistic but no less beautiful or meaningful: "And found myself alone, alone, Alone above a raging sea, That stole the only girl I loved, And drowned her deep inside of me."
We are not much one for songs that perfectly mirror our own lives and experiences.
Liesel and I danced our first dance to this song and this version at our wedding.
"Just Like Heaven" by the Cure covered by Katie Melua
Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
Mike and Sue Creager
at the dinner
You're just like a dream
You're just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone, alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me
You
Soft and lonely
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven
"Velouria" is a different kind of love song but no less beautiful. We played this at our wedding, but we also used it in our invitations:
"We will wade in the shine of the ever."
These expressionistic and imagistic lyrics capture the spirit of our love, Liesel's and mine: "Hold my head, we'll trampoline, Finally through the roof onto somewhere near and far in time, Velouria, her covering, traveling career, She can really move, oh, Velveteen."
I will never take my wife for granted.
I am so proud of Liesel, for finishing her master's degree.
Hold my head, we'll trampoline
Finally through the roof onto somewhere near and far in time
Velouria, her covering, traveling career
She can really move, oh, Velveteen
My Velouria, my Velouria
Even I'll adore you, my Velouria
Even I'll adore you, my Velouria
Say to me, where have you been?
Finally through the roof
And how does lemur skin reflect the sea?
We will wade in the shine of the ever
We will wade in the shine of the ever
We will wade in the tides of the summer, every summer
Every my Velouria, my Velouria
Forevergreen, I know she's here in California
I can see the tears of Shastasheen
My Velouria, my Velouria
Even I'll adore you, my Velouria
Even I'll adore you, my Velouria
Mom, I am glad you survived long enough to see both Lori and I get married.
Thank you for loving my wife, Liesel, as I do.
I teared up at the dinner because I had done what you would have done, Mom. I gave Liesel a fine wooden box with an engraved plate that reads: "Liesel Tower: MSN degree 2015." Actually, the people engraved a semi-colon and not a colon, even though I said colon three times and described it as two dots, one atop the other. But most people are not as smart as my wife, who knows the difference between a colon and a semi-colon, and now, as an MSN degreed nurse, she knows more about colons in your body, too.
Anyway, thinking of you, Mom, and how you would celebrate this event made me weepy.
I wrote my review of the Turkeyville Christmas show today.
I spent time reflecting on the final song of the show, and how it left me quite a train wreck: "Halleljuah" written by Leonard Cohen.
This song was covered and made somewhat more famous by Jeff Buckley on his 1994 album Grace, and then later by Rufus Wainwright, whose version was used in the film Shrek.
It's a strange choice for a song to close a Christmas show.
These lines spoke to me the most:
"And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"
It's been a week since I saw the show, and I listened to this song again, and once again, I cried.
Love is not a victory march.
Indeed.
"Hallelujah" - Leonard Cohen
Well I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well it goes like this:
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah (repeat x 4)
Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya
She tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah (repeat x 4)
But baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah (repeat x 4)
Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do ya
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah (repeat x 4)
Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah (repeat x many)
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
