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| Mon and me 3yrs 4months-May 1965 |
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1245 (SoD #3371) - Mother's Day 2024
Hi Mom,
Bathroom dream
Herein, until I write my note, there's an article on the originator of Mother's Day and several (all?) of my past Mother's Day posts.
I refer to it as “social motherhood,” where being a mother does not just mean taking care of your own children. You are caring for your community of children.
So Anna Jarvis’s Mother’s Day was very sentimental. It wasn’t a day to celebrate all mothers, it was a day for you to celebrate your mother—the mother as the center of a child’s world.
People ask me all the time, where do you put the apostrophe? Is it singular or plural? Anna’s idea was for a Mother’s Day, possessive singular. Her mother’s vision was more like Mothers’ Day—possessive plural.
https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2024/05/mothers-day-anna-jarvis/
The Founder of Mother’s Day Mostly Cared About Her Own Mother
She fought anyone who tried to profit from her holiday, from Big Candy to Eleanor Roosevelt.
It seems like such a simple idea: a day to honor the women who bring life into the world. But how do we square the ideal of celebrating and supporting mothers with the reality of how lawmakers and courts have acted to undermine maternal health and rights in the post-Dobbs era? Or make sense of all the money Americans spend annually on this one day—a purported $33.5 billion in 2024, according to the National Federation of Retailers, including $7 billion on jewelry and $3.2 billion on flowers—when so many mothers can’t afford food, housing, or health care?
Anna Jarvis, who launched the Mother’s Day movement in 1908 in honor of her own remarkable mother, would have had very complicated feelings about what the day has become, says Katharine Lane Antolini, associate professor of American history at West Virginia Wesleyan College and author of Memorializing Motherhood: Anna Jarvis and the Struggle for Control of Mother’s Day. Jarvis’s vision was childlike in its sentimentality, Antolini says: “To her, this was supposed to be the one day out of the year when you were just grateful for your mother.” But there was nothing sentimental about the way she fought to preserve that vision, whether she was battling the floral industry, Big Candy, or well-intentioned maternal health charities and the powerful people who supported them. I spoke with Antolini from her campus office in Buckhannon, West Virginia, about 40 minutes from the International Mother’s Day Shrine and Jarvis’s childhood home.
How did the idea of a day to honor mothers become such a focus of Anna Jarvis’ life?
The story of Mother’s Day really goes back to her mother, Ann Reeves Jarvis, who was a well-known social activist and community organizer during her time. They lived in the part of Virginia that split off during the Civil War to become West Virginia, part of the Union. Mrs. Jarvis had 13 children, only four of whom lived to adulthood. Anna, who was born in 1864, was the oldest surviving daughter. She never married or had children. She was never a mother herself. And that, I think, is an important part of her story.
In the 1850s, before Anna was born, it was very common for mothers in this part of Appalachia to die in childbirth and for babies to die. Poor sanitation was a major cause of death. Mrs. Jarvis organized what she called Mothers’ Day Work Clubs, where women would come together to educate themselves on issues of sanitation: what to do with sewage, where to put your outhouse so it wouldn’t contaminate your water supply or the milk from your cows. If there was a mini epidemic, they would help quarantine a family, bring them food, and help care for the sick. Mrs. Jarvis believed in a proactive kind of motherhood—in the book, I refer to it as “social motherhood,” where being a mother does not just mean taking care of your own children. You are caring for your community of children. By the time of the Civil War, these clubs were so well known that, according to local legend, a Union colonel asked Mrs. Jarvis if she could help the Union camps stop the outbreaks of disease that were killing so many soldiers. So, according to the story, Mrs. Jarvis organized mothers to help care for and stop the spread of diseases in the camps.
Fast forward to the 1870s. Anna Jarvis is 12 years old. She’s standing outside a room where her mother is teaching one of her famous Sunday school lessons on mothers of the Bible. According to Anna, at the end of the lesson, Mrs. Jarvis offers a prayer of hope that somebody someday will create a day to honor mothers for their service. And as Anna tells it, her mother’s prayer sticks in her head. Thirty years later, in May 1905, Mrs. Jarvis dies in Philadelphia, where she had been living with Anna and two of her other children. And Anna decides, I’m going to dedicate my life to promoting my mother’s vision of a day honoring mothers.
It’s such a noble idea. And yet, from the beginning, there was real tension about whose vision of motherhood was being honored. As it turned out, Anna and her mother probably would have had very different ideas of what Mother’s Day should be.
Mrs. Jarvis saw motherhood as a community responsibility. She envisioned a Mother’s Day when women would come together as mothers and be of service to each other.
Anna Jarvis was not a mother. So she didn’t see motherhood through the same lens that her mother did. She saw motherhood through the eyes of a child. When you’re a child, the only mother you care about is your own. So Anna Jarvis’s Mother’s Day was very sentimental. It wasn’t a day to celebrate all mothers, it was a day for you to celebrate your mother—the mother as the center of a child’s world.
People ask me all the time, where do you put the apostrophe? Is it singular or plural? Anna’s idea was for a Mother’s Day, possessive singular. Her mother’s vision was more like Mothers’ Day—possessive plural.
Anna Jarvis was obsessed with turning Mother’s Day into a movement. But she was also obsessed with having it be her movement.
When Anna created her day, it was the second Sunday in May, because that was the closest Sunday to the anniversary of her mother’s death [on May 9]. She picked her mother’s favorite flower, the white carnation, as the symbol of the holiday. Her whole identity was wrapped up in this day. So, then, it had to be celebrated from the perspective of a daughter honoring a mother, not of a mother honoring motherhood. How did she think you should celebrate? You go home, like a Thanksgiving Day for mothers. If you can’t go home, you write or later, you call.
By 1912, Anna incorporated herself into the Mother’s Day International Association, which she ran out of the house in Philadelphia that she shared with her unmarried brother and sister. She copyrighted the phrases “Mother’s Day” and “second Sunday in May” and the white carnation emblem, and she included warnings in her association documents that she would legally protect her copyright from infringement. This was a single woman creating something for herself at a time when independent women were not common. And she became well known, even internationally known. This movement became a big part of her identity, which made her fiercely defensive of it.
How quickly did her Mother’s Day movement take off? And how did she react when it happened?
By 1912, most states recognized Mother’s Day in some way. Anna did it by constantly writing letters and reaching out—she wrote to every state governor, to charities, to the editor of Ladies Home Journal, even to Teddy Roosevelt. It’s a huge campaign, very successful.
Then in 1914, Woodrow Wilson signed a proclamation to make Mother’s Day a national day of observance. It was technically a flag resolution, all it asked everybody to do was hang a flag outside their house or on public buildings in honor of mothers. So as a concept, Mother’s Day entered the public domain. But to Anna, it was always her holiday. She copyrighted it. Oh, it made her so pissed off when anybody claimed that Woodrow Wilson was the founder of Mother’s Day. She would say, “All he did was sign it. I did all the work.”
So then Anna began fighting to protect her day. She threatened lawsuits. She had battles with industries that were trying to commercialize her idea– the floral industry, the greeting card industry, the candy industry. The floral industry would hike the price of carnations up every Mother’s Day, which she hated so much.
World War I began in 1914, and the US entered the war in 1917. How was Mother’s Day exploited then?
Mother’s Day quickly became part of the war propaganda effort. The military used it to reach out to mothers.“You’re a good mother if you raise your son to be willing to fight.” Then to their sons: “Go fight to make the world safe for democracy, to keep your mother safe.” There was a huge campaign to get soldiers to write home on Mother’s Day. The military would actually provide cards to get the soldiers to do it.
One of Anna’s big fights was with a group called American War Mothers, which was founded to support the war effort, then pivoted to helping veterans as well as widows and mothers who were left with nobody to care for them. During the 1920s, they started using Mother’s Day as a fundraising device, selling carnations. Anna’s response was, “You don’t have permission to use my day. You don’t have permission to use my carnations. How dare you?” At one point, she crashed their annual meeting and was arrested for disturbing the peace.
Her problem with charities was that she didn’t believe the money they were raising was going to the people who needed it. There was no transparency. She used to refer to charities as “Christian pirates” or the “expectant mother racket.”
But what also really bothered her was how these charities seemed to violate the idea of Mother’s Day as she had envisioned it. To her, this was supposed to day of gratitude and respect. Not a day to feel sorry for mothers, not a day to try to rescue them. Her feeling was, you can pity mothers any other day. This is the day to just celebrate them.
One of Anna’s strangest battles is with maternal health charities—the kind of groups that own mother would have supported and celebrated in her version of Mothers’ Day.
In 1933, during the Depression, the US Senate amended the original Mother’s Day resolution, asking that people donate to charities. Instead of just honoring your own mother and hanging a flag, let’s help mothers and families in the midst of this economic crisis where there was no male breadwinner or the father was dead. That opened the floodgates. Every charity that could tie Mother’s Day to their organization tried to do so. And Anna was outraged.
One of the groups she went after was the Golden Rule Foundation, which promoted what was known as the Forgotten Mothers campaign to help poor women, including in Appalachia, where Anna was born. Where’s all this money going? she wanted to know.
Another was the Maternity Center Association, which was based in New York City and very focused on the idea of improving maternal mortality and health. Maternal deaths were still extremely high in the 1930s and the MCA was trying to address that problem in an era when you weren’t even supposed to say the word “pregnancy” in public, on the radio, or in print. MCA trained public health nurses and nurse-midwives. They also had classes on nutrition and prenatal and postnatal care. At first, their funding came from the federal government, but when that program dried up in 1929, they needed to raise money to get their message out. Mothers’ Day was perfect for that—to get around Anna’s trademark, they moved the apostrophe in the name. There’s a great quote from a magazine article at the time that summed up their sentiment: “Women are dying, and we’re giving them potted plants.”
They had a lot of very big-name supporters, like Eleanor Roosevelt and Frances Perkins [the Secretary of Labor, the first woman cabinet secretary, and a major architect of the New Deal]. Eleanor Roosevelt didn’t understand why Anna was so mad at her: “We’re promoting your day!”
Nonetheless, she accused the First Lady of “grand larceny of human reputation and achievement” for using her day in a manner Anna never intended. She often complained about Mrs. Roosevelt’s support of the charitable campaigns in telegrams to FDR. She even wrote Frances Perkins demanding that she resign; Anna accused her of using federal funds to support the MCA’s ability to steal the holiday.
How could Anna Jarvis have argued with the mission of saving mothers’ lives?
Some of it definitely was her ego. Some of it went back to Anna saying, Can we just have one day when we just love mothers and thank them? On this one day, do we have to upbraid women and tell them they’re not good enough mothers because they’re not educated enough, because they don’t see a doctor? She hated the idea that Mother’s Day came with conditions, or pity because you’re poor or uneducated. She wanted the message to be, unconditionally, “You’re a good mother.”
Her own mother would have loved what the Maternal Center Association was doing—educating and empowering mothers to survive childbirth and keep their children alive.
Over the years, she had so many fights, with so many powerful people—some women and a lot of men. How did they react?
Powerful men would say, well, she’s just crazy. And Anna definitely was intense. At one time she had over 30 lawsuits pending, according to a Newsweek article. But calling women crazy is historically how we’ve always dismissed them. She was an independent woman trying to carve out her life for herself and protect her intellectual property. I’ve got to admire her spunk. She would stand toe to toe with anyone. There wasn’t a man or a woman she was afraid of.
So what happened to Anna Jarvis? How did her battle over Mother’s Day end?
Her battle ends because she just couldn’t fight it anymore. It took everything out of her emotionally and physically—and financially. When the brother she lived with died in 1926, she inherited his money and used it to fund her work. But eventually it was gone. I have never come across anything that suggests that Anna Jarvis ever profited from Mother’s Day financially.
A Newsweek article from 1943 detailed her stumbling into a Philadelphia hospital, emaciated and sickly. She ended up in a sanitarium, like a nursing home. Her younger sister, who had been living with her, didn’t want to leave their house, and two months later she was found dead in the kitchen. Supposedly it was so cold that there were icicles hanging from the ceiling. Anna died in 1948 and was buried next to her mother, brother and sister in Philadelphia.
What would Anna think of Mother’s Day, or Mothers’ Day, today?
Anna would not be happy with the commercialization of it, but she would have approved of the more sentimental part of it: “Don’t shame me because all I want to worry about is my mother.”
And what do you think of it?
I’m surprised the day is not being used more for progressive movements. Maybe we should shame people for only caring about their own mothers. Especially in this environment. Maybe we really need to start worrying about all mothers. I live in a state with no abortion rights. I teach 19-year-olds who want to be mothers someday, but we don’t protect maternal health. I worry about my students. I worry about their futures.
Last year's post:
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| Mom's at Dad's 50th bday - 1985 |
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1239 (SoD #3008) - MOTHER'S DAY 2023
I miss you, Mom.
Though not as much as last year.
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1236 (SoD #2367) - I Wish My Mom Was Here - Mother's Day 2022
Hi Mom,
I usually do not do this. I am publishing this post before I have posted #2636 from yesterday, Saturday, but I want to get my Mother's Day post up on the day itself and the previous post is going to take me longer.
I had a moment today. A moment of weeping. I really miss you this week, Mom.
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1223 (SoD #2273) - Mother's Day 2021
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| Mom with Lori at three months old - Nov. 1969 |
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1223 (SoD #2273) - Mother's Day 2021
Hi Mom,
I was braced for this day being difficult. It's been five years. This is the sixth year without you but the fifth mother's day without you, Mom.
I can cope with this loss much more easily. Grief is a blade that dulls with time but cuts when something sharpens it.
Regardless of the loss I feel, I feel such blessings and great value in all you gave me, Mom.
I remember it all, always.
I will never forget.
I toast all the great mothers of the world (as I am writing a story about a shitty one); Thank you for all the awesome.
Here's all the reprints, which is now an annual tradition.
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1199 (SoD #1909) - Mother's Day 2020
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| Mom's Birthday 1970 |
Hi Mom,
Here's my annual Mother's Day post. It seems that every year I just collect the posts of the previous years and their links.
This one, 2020, is a special Mother's Day as we're in the middle of a pandemic and restricted in what we can do by stay-at-home orders. I have been thinking a lot about you and how you would cope with the situation and not being able to go out. Near the end of your life, you were going out less and less, but before then, you were out a lot and liked going out.
Given that you stayed in a lot, I am not sure if you would have gotten the virus. So far Dad has been sheltering in place and has not contracted the virus. SO FAR. This viral outbreak could go on for a long time. In fact, it may never be over. We may not be able to make a vaccine, and we may not develop immunity. We're living in uncertain and strange times. I wish you were here so we could watch CNN together and criticize the "president" who has utterly failed in his and his administration's response to this crisis.
So, I am sitting here in front of your GO light doing my morning light treatment. I have taken to using your GO light out here in the living room in the morning as Liesel and I drink coffee, and sometimes watch CNN. Usually, I work on my blog for an hour or so before I start work. No work today. I am purposefully staying away from work completely for the entire day.
You know, Mom, we haven't talked in a while. Let me catch you up. I had an ear infection, and so I called for a phone appointment, got an antibiotic, and I feel better. We had some birds make a nest in the dryer vent because the geniuses who built our house put critter guards over all the vents except the dryer one. So, we had pest expert come, remove them, and attach a guard to the vent so this does not happen again. It was getting bad. The dryer could not dry things. I had to run a load of towels FOUR times in high to get them dry. Plus I was worried about the creatures -- which for a long time I was not sure were birds -- damaging the vent, the duct, and/or the dryer. I was going to try to take care of it all myself, but I really do not have the tools and equipment to take care of it. I felt it was worth the money to get the professional to come, even though risk of infection is an issue.
Here's a thing I would worry about with you at this time: people coming into your home and giving you the virus that way. Luckily, Dad has managed to stay safe from issues like that one as well.
Liesel has been buying cool plants and things for our home. The backyard grass especially is shooting up like crazy. The dogs are fine though both have been to the vet recently. Ellory had a tooth extraction last month and just returned for an ear infection. Satchel is having stomach issues and just got a second round of drugs for that issue.
We have new neighbors next door with a dog, and Ellory is out there all the time watching them and barking at them. Ellory has really taken to her Mom, who now works at home, and is in and out of her office all the time and spends as much time with her as possible. Satchel is sitting next t me as I type. She sticks pretty close to me because I feed her. She loves her Mom, too, but she's not stupid. She wants to be ready if there are extra treats.
I am doing much better than I expected I would with this pandemic. I just did a Zoom call with a local friend yesterday. I did a Zoom call with a bunch of K friends last week. I Zoom (yes verbing that noun) with colleagues, who are also friends, which is great. I walk the dogs. I read a lot. I am writing fiction, though not often enough. I am spending more time on this blog, though still not making enough headway on posts that are original and to which I wish to devote a great deal of attention. I am falling behind on Y&R again, but I am sure I will catch up. They film that so far ahead that even though they have closed down production they have not yet ... oh, I am wrong.
https://tvline.com/2020/04/20/young-and-restless-last-new-episode-final-original-reruns/
I guess I am not behind. I have a bunch of reruns that I can watch! :-) I was planning to do a blog post on this, but I have not yet.
It's been over a month since we had new comics. I am watching Survivor, which was all in the can before this pandemic hit, but I doubt that they do their usual live reveal of who won and the reunion show.
It's a strange time, Mom. We just turned on CNN, and they are discussing how we may not have foreign exchange students for a long time nor will our students study abroad.
We miss being able to go into Portland for dinner. We miss hair salon appointments. We miss walks through the city, but Liesel misses it more than I do.
I thought I would miss sports as those have been suspended since early March, but I don't miss them very much. I will be happy to have them back when they return, but I am doing just fine without them.
It will also be a long time before I feel deprived of new comics since I have such a huge back log of unread comics. I could probably go the rest of the year before I get through the stacks and boxes and graphic novels.
I am pledging the following: more time to write, bicycling, losing weight, being kind to everyone even my neighbors who are stupid about the virus and voted for Trump, finding more work or a new job.
I have enough here. I love you, Mom. I miss you. I wish you were here to talk about all these things. The hurt of missing is easier to live with each year. The grief and loss is still there, but it does not seem to surprise me or overcome me too much.
Until I see you again, Mom.
Reprint:
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1167 (SoD1543) - Mother's Day 2019
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| 1976 |
Hi Mom,
Following I am re-posting some of 2018's post, which also provides links to previous posts from 2017 and 2016.
Mother's Day four without you as we close in on the four year anniversary of your death.
What I wrote last year is still true. I am not wrecked. I have learned to live with it. I still grieve, and I still miss you, but it is easier to to cope, to get through the days, to carry on, to enjoy life. Really, there's little hardship. Maybe I have made peace with your death as a good thing for you -- whatever lies beyond this life it is a better place than here -- and less about me and my childish grief. It feels like childish, this grief, sometimes more than at other times. The grief reduces me to a little boy who wants his mommy rather than an adult man with a wife, kids, dogs, jobs, interests, hobbies, loves, passions, and arts.
I have a good life. Though I am mindful that my life is good, in large part, though not exclusively, because of you, Mom.
I am writing this post after Mother's Day. We had a good day gardening and doing lawn work. Piper, Adam, and their roommate Taylin came over and assembled our new grill, and then we had steak and salad and beer and pie made by Piper. Much better than going to URBAN FONDUE, which is what we did last year (BLECH).
The day ended with Killing Eve episode six and Game of Thrones episode five.
A VERY GOOD DAY.
Last year's post (2018):
https://sensedoubt.blogspot.com/2018/05/hey-mom-talking-to-my-mother-1042.html
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| Mom's at Dad's 50th bday - 1985 |
2018 marks my third Mother's Day without you, Mom, and I must say it's getting easier. Sure, I was sad. Sure, I miss you. I definitely thought of you. But I did not break down in tears like I did last year, I did not feel the lodestone anchor drag of depression, I was okay. Sure, I wish you were still with us, even in your last debilitated state, which is selfish of me, so probably it's just an emotional wish that when considered I would reject.
My other thought is that when I think of you, Mom, and I think of your legacy, what you gave to me, I think of how to be loving. I consider myself a very loving person, and I have fierce and unconditional love for my family, not just Dad and Lori, my sister, and her husband, but my immediate family, my wife, our kids, our dogs, our life together.
Though I am very aware of my own imperfections at showing my love and truly trying to appreciate my family unconditionally, because it does take effort to rise above petty annoyance and the day-to-day drudgery of trying to exist and keep things together, I do feel that you showed me by example, Mom, and you taught me by placing the highest value on how we love, being loving, living our lives as loving people. This is the greatest gift you could possibly have given me, Mom, because love is the greatest act that we can perform in our lives.
And so, I love my family very much. This may not be a unique thing. I would expect most people to confess to loving their families. Also, there are people out there who do a better job of showing it, owning it, living it than I do. But at least, I try, and I identify short-comings and work to improve them. I feel that effort counts for a lot.
Thanks, Mom.
Here's the link to last year's Mother's Day post with SOME OF the content to follow.
Mother's Day 2017 - Hey Mom #677
Here's the links to those. I would rather present them this way than my usual re-publishing of the content.
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #304 - Mother's Day Trilogy Part One
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #305 - Mother's Day Trilogy Part Two
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #306 - Mother's Day Trilogy Part Three
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #310 - Mother's Day 2010 - Throwback Thursday
Instead of prosaic and sentimental ruminations here, beyond what I have already written, I will instead add to the very first entry with an update about moving on.
I am still sad sometimes.
I grieve, Mom.
But I am living life and enjoying life and that's what you would want me to do.
And I know that because I hear you tell me with that voice in my head in a thousand ways throughout the year.
Here's the permanent dedicated link to my first Hey, Mom! post and the explanation of the feature it contains.
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2002 |
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1905.12 - 10:10
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- Days ago = 1772 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 2005.10 - 10:10
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- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 2105.09 - 10:10
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Reflect and connect.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you, Mom.
I miss you so very much, Mom.
Talk to you soon, Mom.
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- Days ago = 2872 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 2305.14 - 10:10
NEW (written 1708.27 and 1907.04) NOTE on time: I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of your death, Mom, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of your death, Mom. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom. Dropped "Talk to you tomorrow, Mom" in the sign off on 1907.04. Should have done it sooner as this feature is no longer daily.
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Reflect and connect.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you, Mom.
Talk to you soon, Mom.
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- Days ago = 3235 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 2405.11 - 10:10
NEW (written 1708.27 and 1907.04) NOTE on time: I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of your death, Mom, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of your death, Mom. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom. Dropped "Talk to you tomorrow, Mom" in the sign off on 1907.04. Should have done it sooner as this feature is no longer daily.
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