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| My favorite picture Mom at Laura and Craig's wedding October 1995 |
Hi Mom,
So, here's what precipitated this line of thinking: the other day a student told me that someone close to his family committed suicide.
His incident got me thinking. What deaths had I experienced before yours? First one I remember was my step-grandmother, the woman I knew as my grandmother, your father's second wife, Hazel. Then a high school friend who committed suicide. Next, a high school friend who fell to his death while climbing a mountain in France. Then my Uncle, your brother. Next, the rest of the grand parents. Dad's dad. Your Dad. And lastly, Dad's mom. Though it was sad losing the grand parents, and my Uncle, I was actually not as close with them as I was with the two high school friends (whose names I leaving off this blog).
But none of those deaths compare to the loss of you, your death. A much greater loss.
Not that I am unique. I know some people who have lost children. I know others who have lost their parents. I know some people who have lost spouses. I know that my experience is unusual. Most of us will outlive our parents. We will see our mothers and fathers die. It's going to happen.
In my callow youth (and I was callow, quite), I contemplated suicide. I spoke of suicide lightly, cavalierly. I cannot imagine this mindset now. Not only is life more precious to me as I try to figure out how to understand with and how to cope with the loss of you, Mom, but I cannot imagine putting you through losing me by suicide, especially when I was in my twenties or early thirties. How cruel would that have been? How thoughtless? How selfish?
Watching you, Mom, struggle with the loss of your mother -- who died when you were 19 -- grappling with the grief and pain all the years I knew you -- as you never quite "got over it" -- I would never, ever put you through losing me. Given how you felt about losing your mother, how would you have survived losing me to suicide? I am glad I proved to be a lot stronger than I thought I was when I was young.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
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- Days ago = 87 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1509.29 - 20:44
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