Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1176 (SoD #1596) - Marjorie Tower - RIP - 07-04-2015

Mom - Mother's Day - 1976

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1176 (SoD #1596) - Marjorie Tower - RIP - 07-04-2015

Hi Mom, Living without you is getting easier with each year that passes. I never thought I would survive it. Does surviving losing you mean that I can survive anything? I hope so. I feel stronger and yet weaker at the same time. But though I am both stronger and weaker, I move on ahead into each new day. Those days come whether I want them to or not. Sometimes, I feel helplessly adrift in them, and at other times, I feel I am in control of those days, wrenching the life juices from their fabric and reveling in the gifts I have been given. And I have been given so many gifts. I feel lucky. I am blessed.

When I am not thinking of how much I miss you, I think about what your life might have been like if you had never gotten the meningitis or if we could have caught it earlier and stopped it before it stole your mobility, independence, and much of your freedom. Or what if it had happened to me instead? I wouldn't be here in the Portland-metro area; I wouldn't be married.

Mostly, I am unapologetic for my feelings or in still writing about grief and loss from time to time on this blog. People misunderstood how the blog was about life and not about death, how it was about living and not about grieving. There's just some grieving in the blog because there's some grieving in the life. People will still misunderstand. People will read the headline and nor the text. People will judge. But I am not writing for them. I am writing for me and to you, Mom.

I could have written about something else today, but I feel like that would be a betrayal not just of you and your memory but of myself. I cope with my writing. I practice good self-care with my writing. And somehow, I know you hear me, Mom. I still feel you with me, beside me, all around. I want to be worthy of your love and care, this life you gave me. I want to pay tribute to the living you in me, practicing the lessons you taught me in loving those in my life and showing them the white, pure light of the love that made you who you are and me who I am.

I am doing all right.

To close, I want to include a few more pictures and links to the last three posts on July 4th. There wasn't one that first year, 2015, as I started this blog series two days later, July 6th.

SIDENOTE: I am amazed that I have written 1176 in this series and nearly 1600 overall, when added to my 365 T-shirts posts, I have nearly 2000 blog posts on the Internet, which feels like good work for the last six years give or take.

At the end of that first year, 2016, I rode the Kal Haven Trail with Sue Creager, stopping along the way at the time of your death.

https://sensedoubt.blogspot.com/2016/07/hey-mom-talking-to-my-mother-363.html

Mother's Day 1994

In 2017, I didn't do much of anything. I just made a post explaining my emotional and mental state as of the two year anniversary of your death.

https://sensedoubt.blogspot.com/2017/07/hey-mom-talking-to-my-mother-728-two.html

Coldwater Lake Hike 1807.04

In 2018, I had moved to Woodland, WA, and I hiked Coldwater Lake as pictured in part above. Being in nature was even better than my first time, the bike ride, in 2016.

https://sensedoubt.blogspot.com/2018/07/hey-mom-talking-to-my-mother-1094-three.html

This year, no nature.

I went to see a showing of the new Ari Aster film Midsommar and had Vietnamese food. I walked the dogs, watched the neighborhood fireworks, and tried to keep the dogs calm. It was still a good day.

Reflect and connect.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

I miss you so very much, Mom.

Talk to you soon, Mom.

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- Days ago = 1461 days ago

- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1907.04 - 10:10

NEW (written 1708.27 and 1907.04) NOTE on time: I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of your death, Mom, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of your death, Mom. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom. Dropped "Talk to you tomorrow, Mom" in the sign off on 1907.04. Should have done it sooner as this feature is no longer daily.