Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1093 - The Road into the Light
Hi Mom,
Here's reprints of the last two July fourth posts for 2016 and 2017.
Tomorrow is the day, the third anniversary of your death at 10:10 a.m. Eastern Time July 4th, 2015.
Though I chose a different picture for the header up top, I like these pictures of me and Liesel's step-mom, Sue Creager, with the bike path and the bright light -- the road into the light.
This is how I think of you, and your journey: the road into the light.
I feel closer to you in nature, Mom.
Though I am feeling the pain of loss and of endings in deciding to shut down the daily broadcast of this Daily Hey Mom feature. I have been fighting with myself about whether it feels right to stop, if it's the right thing to do, if I am ready. Though I have worked through the hardest parts of the grief, the Hey Mom feature has given me three years of security and a means to cope. Even when the Hey Mom posts were just about software coding or politics, ideas distant from you, Mom; even when the posts did not directly address you, Mom, the titles, header, and footers were still themed with our ongoing conversation in mind. I held that conversation for three years, and I will stop it's daily transmission on Friday July 6th with the last in the series. Though I am feeling a sense of loss for this decision, the blog continues, my life continues, and I learn more about the road we travel each and every day --
the road into the light.
Enjoy these reprints, shared again, with links to the originals.
Year One - 2016 -
http://sensedoubt.blogspot.com/2016/07/hey-mom-talking-to-my-mother-363.html
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| July 4th 2016 - 10:10 a.m. |
Hi Mom, So here we are. One year ago today. Even though I am writing this after the fact, at 10:10 a.m. the moment of your death, I stopped my bike ride, took some pictures and remembered you.I have an alarm on my phone set for 10:10 a.m. every day. It's not that a day would go by when I did not think of you. But the alarm helps me to remember to acknowledge that specific moment. And I do. Every day.
So, as I have been sharing in the last few blog entries, I set myself a series of fun things to do in these days leading up to today, including today. If Liesel had been here, the time would have been very different and filled with different sorts of activities. I miss Liesel, but I am also happy with the choices I made for how I am dealing with the one year anniversary of your death, Mom.
So, for the fourth day of this extended time off from work and coping mechanism of what I have called Memorial Therapy, I asked Liesel's step mom, Sue Creager, to ride the Kal-Haven trail with me from Kalamazoo to South Haven, which is about 35 miles. We had done this two years ago, also, but now Sue is 70 years old, so this is an achievement for her as well. Though Sue is in much better biking shape than I am. She rides all the time, so she was fine.
Though I had not consciously considered the symbolic nature of riding a path through nature, obviously my unconscious mind did.
You were not a big nature person, Mom. You liked nature, but only when it did not mess up your hair or interfere with how you were put together. So, like my other things, I chose to do this for me, because it's what I like to do, not because it is something you would have done.
I feel very close to you around trees and sky and sun. You murmur to me in forest however small it may be. I feel a strong connection to you there.
And so the road. This picture above and left is not from 10:10 a.m. but I like the bridge.
I also took a video (below).
I am moving on, Mom. I have to. Life made me move on. It did not stop for me. I had to keep aloft in its current. I have moved on, I am moving, I am riding off into the woods and the next and to the next stop to look both ways before crossing into the next section of trail.
And you are with me. I carry you with me. You are a voice in my heart, in my head, through my soul. I feel our love for each other very strongly every day in different places and for different reasons, but it's there, and it never goes away.
Though I will never forget you, though I will never stop missing you, though a day will never go by when I do not think of you, I go on. I keep pedaling. I ride ahead.
I stopped at 10:10 a.m. in memory of you, Mom.
It was very bright behind us.
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| July 4th 2016 - 10:10 a.m. |
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| July 4th 2016 - 10:10 a.m. |
It was the perfect thing for me to do on this day.
Thanks to Sue Creager for being my riding partner.
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Reflect and connect.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
I miss you so very much, Mom.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
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- Days ago = 365 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1607.04 - 10;10
NOTE on time: When I post late, I had been posting at 7:10 a.m. because Google is on Pacific Time, and so this is really 10:10 EDT. However, it still shows up on the blog in Pacific time. So, I am going to start posting at 10:10 a.m. Pacific time, intending this to be 10:10 Eastern time. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom. But I am not going back and changing all the 7:10 a.m. times. But I will run this note for a while. Mom, you know that I am posting at 10:10 a.m. often because this is the time of your death.
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LAST YEAR - 2017-
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| Mother's Day - 1984 |
Hi Mom,
I wanted to post this at the exact time of your death today, but we slept in and I will be teaching at 10:10 a.m.
And that's okay.
I was going to be dramatic today and say I have no words and then just post a bunch of pictures.
But I do have words because isn't having words the whole point of this blog? I am continuing conversations with you, Mom. I am giving myself an outlet for writing, even if it's just to post a few lines with a share of someone else's content.
The most important thought I wish to share is that I am okay. Really, I am. I am even happy. Yes, I am happy. I am very happy. I mean, after all, my post from a week ago today, Tuesday June 27th, was entitled "I'm Happy" and featured a little video showing a happy gorilla, who's as happy as I am.
So, I had been doing things to cope with my grief, like an alarm set for the moment of your death, 10:10 a.m. every day. I also have stopped kissing that shirt of yours that hangs in my closet every day. Maybe once in a while I kiss it, but I have moved on from these coping mechanisms.But as always, you are around my constantly, Mom. I think of you every day because I write this blog. Even, if I am not writing some heartfelt treatise of love and grief every day, I am thinking of you because I have to post something, even if it's just a share of content written by someone else.
But there are other things. I use a bowl that we bought at the Richland art fair, and I think of you. I do laundry, and I think of you. I use your measuring cup, and I think of you. I make a recipe of yours, and I think of you. There are so many things that remind me, Mom, every day. I am sure this is the kind of experience that everyone who has lost a loved one shares.
I miss you the most when I want to talk to you, Mom, because though this blog helps, and though I feel you with me always, sometimes I have a question, and I cannot get an answer from you, at least not verbally. But I get by. I don't have any crippling regret.
The greatest thing you gave me was teaching me to love and how I love. I love unconditionally because you loved me without conditions, completely and totally. Hey. I know I screwed up a lot. I made a lot of mistakes. I was not always perfectly loving to you, Mom. But I knew you loved me completely, and I love you with all of my heart. This is how I love the others in my life, completly, totally, with all of my heart.
As part of a series of healing and life affirming things, last year, on the day of your death, this day, July 4th, I took a bike ride to South Haven. Here was my post, and one of the pictures.
The road goes ever on, Mom.
http://sensedoubt.blogspot.com/2016/07/hey-mom-talking-to-my-mother-363.html
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| July 4th 2016 - 10:10 a.m. |
I am doing what you wanted for me: I am living a grand and happy life.
And now, back to that road.
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Reflect and connect.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.
I miss you so very much, Mom.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
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- Days ago = 730 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1707.04 - 10:10
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Reflect and connect.
Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you, Mom.
I miss you so very much, Mom.
Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.
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- Days ago = 1095 days ago
- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1807.03 - 10:10
NEW (written 1708.27) NOTE on time: I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of your death, Mom, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of your death, Mom. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom.
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