Hey, Mom! The Explanation.

Here's the permanent dedicated link to my first Hey, Mom! post and the explanation of the feature it contains.

Also,

Friday, July 4, 2025

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1251 (SoD #3790) - Ten Years Ago Today: Marjorie Tower - 1936-2015


Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1251 (SoD #3790) - Ten Years Ago Today: Marjorie Tower - 1936-2015

Usually, HEY MOM, is a conversation with, you, Mom, addressing you. This time, for once, I am going to write ABOUT YOU, but I have to make this a HEY MOM post because it is ABOUT YOU. However, the reprints farther below are in the usual mode, written to YOU.

Please forgive me.

The picture above is definitely my favorite picture of my Mom and me, together.

Mom died ten years ago today at 10:10 a.m. Eastern time.

That's why I publish nearly every blog entry at 10:10 a.m. though now in Pacific time.

You would think that with the tenth anniversary of Mom's death on the horizon I would have written and rewritten a well-considered, long, and heartfelt essay on grief, loss, and the ten-year journey of living without the PHYSICAL presence of my mother in the physical world.

But I have not.

Whatever I am going to write here will be heartfelt. 

I will try to capture the ten years, though I fear that I cannot do that justice.

It's a milestone. It's a big deal  -- ten years -- and so maybe nothing I can write will do it justice.

Thanks for clicking into this post, though I think that what I am writing is more for me, than for you

I still feel Mom with me, in my head, all around in a giant spirit cloud that hugs and holds me.

Memories are tangled and in need of sorting.

Long time readers, or anyone who has ever clicked on the link for the first post, Hey Mom #1 post was published on July 6th, 2015, another milestone. I will commemorate that tenth year anniversary on Monday, July Seventh because Sunday is Comic Book Sunday, and I have something else for that day, a post topic which is far more relevant now as I just learned. More on that on Sunday.

So what happened? How did Mom die? What led up to it? Some of you may not know.

My Mom, Marjorie Ellen Tower (Delbridge) contracted bacterial meningitis in March of 2000 (really February but we didn't know that). Before we knew what was going on with her, she went to the ER with terrible neck and back pain. There was an MRI; she couldn't keep still, and the images were not good. We did not know what was going on, but she was in a lot of pain. Eventually she slipped into a coma. We called the ambulance just in time. Her heart stopped, and she stopped breathing on the way to the hospital. 

She was in a coma for about nine days. They diagnosed the meningitis pretty soon after she was hospitalized this second time, after passing out and being non-responsive for hours.

Maybe it's time to share more about this saga on the blog, and so I will publish many of the reports of Mom's illness later this month, maybe in installments. 

But that's the short version.

She spent six months hospitalized: first in the Bronson ICU and then in an intensive rehab hospital in Grand Rapids (Mary Free Bed).

Miraculously, we managed to have fifteen more years with her before complications from the original meningitis -- just too much brain damage is the simplest way to put it -- ended her life at the age of 79, which is pretty good even for a person that is healthier and had not gone through what Mom went through.

She was never the same. Though she practiced walking, and could take steps, she never regained any independence, the ability to get up and move around without assistance. The legs only worked with great effort and not all the time. Mostly, she just had use of her right arm. The left arm was mostly not working. She was on a catheter for the rest of her life that led to many urinary tract infections. And near the end of her life, when she stopped being able to feed herself, the right arm also stopped working or at least she was not doing much with it.

When she stopped eating and entered hospice at home, she lingered for nearly two weeks.

We all sit vigil for much of the day for many of those days.

I wanted to be with her when she drew her last breath. I am not sure she wanted that and possibly my Dad did not want that either. The one day I chose to stay home after she had been actively dying for about ten days, she died. I think she knew that my sister and I had both decided to take a break from the vigil and chose to pass on without us.

I had a lot of guilt for not being there, for taking that break for all things, to play D&D with my best friend and his son. I have worked past that guilt. I am okay. It also helped that I was with my Dad for his last breath, holding his hand, telling him it was all okay. That experience makes up for not being with Mom. Grateful.

I am so grateful for my life.

My mother was an incredible human being. Being a mother, being loving and forgiving was one of her highest held values, and she was a fantastic mother, loving and kind. I have absorbed all of those characteristics even more so since she died. Her spirit moves through me, reminds me of how to conduct myself, how to treat people.

I was 38 years old when my mother came down with the meningitis. I was still living with my parents, and I continued to live with them for the next nine years, helping out as much as I could while juggling as many as eight classes at four schools some years as well as freelance writing jobs.

Had I not been living with them, I might have moved back in just to help as my father was trying to care for my mother all by himself, which was a Herculean task.

All of our relationships changed after the meningitis infected my mother, mostly paralyzing her.

Mom's care brought us all closer together, especially me with my parents during the years as the only child at home as Lori moved out eight some years before I did. 

I think we are both very grateful that both parents, especially Mom, lived long enough to see us get married: me in 2009 and Lori in 2002.

After years of Mom caring for all of us, it was now our turn to take over all the domestic chores as well as all of her care. 

Dad shouldered the majority of that work. 

Lori (my sister) contributed quite a lot, even after she moved out. 

I did as much as I could while juggling multiple jobs, Ultimate, and other things. I started biking a lot and would take daily rides. The short ride was between eight and ten miles depending on whether I took side streets after the bike path along Gull Road. The long ride was between sixteen and twenty-two miles depending on routes around Gull Lake. I miss those rides as there is nothing comparable here as close to where I live. I also miss the Kal-Haven trail, which I rode to South Haven with Sue Creager on the one year anniversary of Mom's death.

Monday, July 4, 2016
I also used to bike to classes nearly every day, even in the winter in dry spells.

But I digress.

I am so grateful to have that fifteen years with my Mom. And though she had many health struggles through those years, there were many years when her health was fairly stable, and she enjoyed her life, as shown here in the photo from the post from earlier this week:



Monday, June 30, 2025

That picture above is from 2003, almost three years exactly since her bout with the meningitis. She looks very happy and reasonably healthy, given the state of her body in recovery.

This picture (left) is also one of my favorites. Though I am not sure where the picture above was taken, the one to the left is from Turkeyville for the Christmas show that I always reviewed. It was taken November 14th, 2013. They always started the Christmas show very early as something like 10,000 people would see it.

This picture (left) accompanies many others in this post, reprinted last year:

But even a little under two years before she died, she had an excellent quality of life. But things started to decline in 2014 and especially 2015 as the palsy condition that she had developed as a result of the brain damage from the meningitis was slowly killing her.

But we still had many great times together. I am so grateful. After all, had she died in the coma in the year 2000, it would have been sudden and so much harder to bear. Though they say that all grief is grief and painful, and meaningful for the person experiencing it, I think sudden losses, tragic and unexpected losses are much more difficult to cope with than when people who have lived a long time die. Had my mother died in March of 2000, she would have died at the age of 63. The age I am now. I wrote that already, didn't I? I am not writing this post all in one sitting. 

But, hey, maybe that bears repeating.

I am not just grateful for the time I got to spend with my Mom in those fifteen years after the meningitis. I am grateful that I could take care of her. I won't share all the details of some of what that care involved. That's probably best kept private, but a lot of it is what any nurse would do in the hospital or a care facility.

Also, prior to her getting sick, she resisted (only sometimes) being affectionate as I was a grown man, but after the meningitis, she couldn't get enough of hugs, kisses, "I love yous," and more. I didn't hold back. I smothered her. Maybe this was not the right thing to do, but I am a very affectionate person. I like showing love. I get that trait from my Mom; she also loved being affectionate. There was never any doubt about how much my parents loved me, especially my Mom. I cherish those memories.

Here's another of my favorite pictures (below), which I used for this year's Mother's Day post, which was the most recent one in this HEY MOM series.


Sunday, May 11, 2025
So many memories, as I said, tangled, so they bob and surface in no apparent order.

I have a blue ceramic bowl that I treasure and eat out of often. It was purchased at the Richland Art Fair on July 17th 2010 as I pushed her around the park, and she spent a lot of money, one of the things she bought was the bowl.

This is her on that day (left). It's possible that both the necklace and the cat pin she's wearing were purchased that day. I don't remember. Look how happy she is. That was a really good day.


We tried to give her a measure of independence with a power chair, and she used it for many years and managed to get pretty good at driving it.

Here's us in 2007 (right) We went to Hardings Friendly Market, which was about a mile from the house. You see we bought flowers. She did great with driving the chair to and from and through the store. She loved shopping. One of the things I did as often as possible, even after I moved out when I got married, was to take Mom shopping, mostly the grocery shopping. We would have to go up and down nearly every aisle of the Gull Road Meijer. I really miss those shopping trips. I do a lot of the grocery shopping these days, and I often think of my Mom as I am making lists, walking the aisles, loading things in the cart, checking out. I am probably friendly with cashiers and baggers because of the example she set. She liked to talk to everyone. She was very kind.

In later years, after I moved out, I would often stop in at her salon where Dad had to take her every Friday to get her hair done as long as she was well enough to go. When I still lived with them, these were days to write in the great room with them gone as that was so rarely the case to have the house to myself. That's when and where I started this SENSE OF DOUBT blog and one other (see side bar to the right, my other blogs). I had not yet created the t-shirts blog when I started the others around 2007 or 2008. HEY MOM found its home on SENSE OF DOUBT in 2015 because I already had a dozen or more entries published on it.

Cindy, Mom's stylist, and her husband, are Facebook friends, and they always say nice things about posts featuring Mom and Dad. In response to the post from the other day (shared above, with the picture from 2003), they wrote the following: 


So nice.

So many memories. And many from before she got sick, like the walks we would take around the neighborhood near the West Gull Lake drive house, spending time with her in the kitchen as she prepared meals (and she wouldn't let  me do very much), coming home late (1-2 a.m.) to find her still up doing laundry or ironing or making grocery lists.

Oh, ironing. It may be a common thing for people to think about their mothers when they iron. Mom started an ironing business with me. She would iron my clothes and charge me for her services. Even when I asked her to stop, she kept doing it and giving me these tallies of the cost!

Mom made our lives special. She attended every school function, even when she was the ONLY parent there, such as when they invited parents to their awkward attempt at sex education.

Holidays were a big deal. She loved Christmas the most, but she also loved and made a big deal of all birthdays.

This next photo is another favorite and another taken at the Turkeyville Christmas show, this one on November 9th, 2012.

I probably was still living with my parents at the age of 38 because my Mom really wanted me there, wanted both of her children there. My parents were conflicted. They urged us to be independent and to do our own thing, but they also (well, Mom for sure) really liked having us live there.

Had Mom not been infected with the meningitis, I would have moved out before I turned 40. My fears that I could not afford it were not well justified. I probably could have afforded it. For me, it was both about money (not making a lot of it but with time to write) and waiting to have a relationship that proved solid enough that I moved in with my partner, which is what eventually happened when I got married. But in 2000, I was coming off a break-up of the longest relationship of my life, something like 19 months. Some of you may think that's hard to believe, but most of my relationships were short-lived. I would have moved in with that woman as I dearly loved her. But she moved away for graduate school, and we broke up.

Also, to be honest, I lived with my parents because it gave me a sense of security. They were the two people on whom I relied the most; I needed them. It was comforting. When Mom got sick, this shifted. I could not rely on Mom for all the ways she had supported me before she was sick. She could still give a great deal of love and attention but not much else as it was her that needed the care she used to provide and more. Mom always would listen to anything I wanted to talk about. After I did move out, I called often, and she would listen on the phone very attentively. That's why I started HEY MOM. I missed those phone calls immediately and wanted to continue the communication. Dad received those calls, then, but his interest and attention was not infinite.

But now, after Dad has died, I realize how much I relied on my parents for all kinds of things and in all sorts of ways and for that sense of security, even after I moved out. Part of what I am going through in grief is to adjust to the idea that they are gone, and I can no longer rely on them, especially Dad who was always so strong, reliable, loyal, steady, available for my whole life.

Birthdays were very special. Here's Mom enjoying her 70th birthday on October 7th, 2006. Look how happy she is. That's one of her favorite shirts from the post-meningitis period.


So many memories.

I need to apply myself to recovering memories and writing them down. 

I also have many boxes of photos that I shipped from Michigan to go through; surely, those will stir up memories.

One last photo (as many posted farther below I had already loaded): 


This is one of my favorite photos of my Mom and sister. It was taken in 1985 with the 35 mm camera I got for college graduation that year. I snapped it almost without either of them noticing. Lori had just looked up but my Mom was unaware. 

So many memories in this photo. The dinner you can see on the plates was a standard. Chicken breasts in a wine and mushroom sauce. Some kind of vegetable. Looks like broccoli. Lori did not like that vegetable, so she had to have a salad as you can see in one of the little white bowls my mom loved. Mom insisted that she have some greens. Mom is also drinking water out of one of the village of Richland glasses, her favorite, and wearing one of her favorite shirts from the time period. You can see the pills she needed to take on the placemat. This is something I do, too. Pills at dinner because they need to be taken with food. I am sure that's a common practice of many.

Orange placemats that were the standard plus these fuzzy yellow placemats in the center of the table for putting the hot dishes on. The table runner is folded up and on the counter behind Lori.

The statue study Dad did of Mom posing nude (which I have now) is in the background over my Mom's left shoulder.

I miss that house, and I miss those days.

I am also grateful that I got to live in that house on West Gull Lake Drive for the first two years of my marriage.

Just for today, I had set an alarm to the time of her death, 10:10 a.m., and it just went off, which means this is a good place to stop as I could surely go on and on and on about my Mom, which is both helping and hurting my emotional state today. The alarm was set to Pacific time. I was going to set one for 7:10 a.m., which would be the time of death in Eastern time, but I forgot, and I saw it was 7:19 a.m. when I remembered. Pretty close, though.

Below some favorite pictures and then the reprint of last year's July 4th post that contains many reprints.

Ten years.

I am in disbelief about that time and that number. It's true about the five stages of grief being recursive. Not really denial, but strong struggle with belief that it has been ten years.

Writing about it all has brought a flood of memories and feelings of grief.

But I am okay.

I can contain it.

Thanks for tuning in.

Here's three more posts and three more favorite pictures of Mom:

Saturday, May 11, 2019



Sunday, May 10, 2020


Monday, August 24, 2020



After the photo atop this post, this photo may be my favorite. Taken at my friend Laura's wedding in 1995.


Link to the original post I am reprinting below: 

Thursday, July 4, 2024


https://sensedoubt.blogspot.com/2015/08/hey-mom-talking-to-my-mother-50.html

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1246 (SoD #3425) - Nine Years Ago

Hi Mom,

I last wrote you on Mother's Day, but I have thought of you many more times since then.


I post the picture above because I almost always think of you when I am doing what you are doing in the picture as I am the primary kitchen cleaner, coffee maker, laundry doer in this household.

You look happy in that photo above, Mom, unless you were just amused that Dad was taking a picture of you washing the dishes, pots, and pans. I love seeing this glimpse into our kitchen in the Hazelwood house. I loved that house. I see a Tupperware with cookies or some kind of treats. I spy Dad's root beer mug next to the sink. I wish I was in the picture helping you because I should have done that more, but then Dad and I made up for it in the 15 years after your coma. Likely, Lori was too young to help when this photo was taken. I like the flower clock in the corner of the counter. I think that was eventually hung up or replaced, I forget. Hard to be sure, but this photo may have been taken after the burlap curtains were replaced by the yellow ones you had made for you. I like that you are wearing the rubber gloves. I do that too sometimes.

I think of you in the kitchen not because I consider that your main role, though you loved taking care of our household, but more because of how you TAUGHT me to take care of a household.

I appreciate all the things I learned from you, though the greatest of all is love and kindness. You taught me empathy, compassion, kindness, and love without really describing or discussing it. Now that I have dogs my ethic of practicing kindness is better phrased as "be the person your dog thinks you are."

Hey guess what? I was contacted by a university in Australia and asked to take part in a research study specifically of people who coped with the loss of a parent by writing a blog. Wow. Not just me. A whole research study will be done! I plan to share.

Will I devote myself to the same conversations when Dad passes? I don't think so. Not because I do not love Dad just as much. But you went first. With Dad, it will be difficult and sad, but also familiar as I have already been through it.

After I ended the daily HEY MOM run after three years in 2018, I thought I would maintain two HEY MOMs a week, but that's not what happened. I wrote more in 2018, but then they dwindled. Somewhere I have a post in which I counted by year the HEY MOM posts since stopping the daily posting to show the changes since 2018 but who knows where it is. Very difficult to find.

It's been nine years. I am fine. I have integrated the grief. There's rarely a sting, though I do miss you, Mom, all the time. Dad and I were talking the other day about how much you would love living at Friendship Village if you were still with us. All those people and activities! You were much more social than Dad, which I never noticed until recently. Dad had to be social for work. But he's more of an introvert than I knew. I am very fortunate to have gained the best qualities of both of you.

Speaking of which, I have been cooking more. I am eating a pasta concoction I made before my first game of Ultimate the other day. And now I want to make peanut butter cookies. And this makes me think of you.

I like the post from last year that I am reprinting here. It has the GRATITUDE content, which is another concept I learned from you. I was just watching a documentary on the power of the mind to heal and how part of that power is fueled by gratitude.

I am so grateful for both you and Dad, Mom, for my upbringing, all the support. I try to pass on that love and support as best I can.

I look forward to writing you again next month, Mom, unless I do a HEY MOM when the days count turns to 3300 in 11 days (and I might).

I love you, Mom.

I miss you.

Last year's post:

Mom on Mother's Day 1976

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1241 (SoD #3059) - Eight Years Ago Today

Hi Mom,

Feels like I just talked to you as the last HEY MOM was just a week ago for dad's 88th birthday.

So, I didn't do a HEY MOM seven years ago post last year because Dad was here. The posts for Dad's vacation were always a day behind, so the July 4th post was what we did on July 3rd. On July 4th, we tried to see the water falls on the Oregon side of the Columbia River Gorge, but many roads were closed due to a parade in Corbett. We also had trouble finding a place to eat. I wrote about all of that here (I am not reprinting this one):

Tuesday, July 5, 2022

You would have laughed and laughed, Mom.



I know I am not unique.

I know many people have had loved ones die, parents, children, partners, friends.

I know that grief is a universal experience.

I miss you, Mom, all the time, every day, that almost goes without sharing.

I miss her even more on these days that are reminders of how much more time together we could have had.

However, I am grateful for so much. I am so grateful for my Dad and time with him. I go back to Michigan later this summer for a week to spend lots of time with him.

I am grateful for my wife, kids, dogs, friends, job, for living in PDX, in Kalama, for all these things.

I just wish I could have shared more of these things with you, Mom.

So, today I reprint three posts, first is this one, the HEY MOM from two years ago on the sixth anniversary.

Sunday, July 4, 2021

Then, there's last year July 4th post, which as I explained was what Dad and I did on July 3rd.


And lastly, Mom, you might like this. It's the post from last August at which point, after over seven years, I finally found a pendant that was meaningful to me, a container to carry with me always some of your ashes. I am sure this pendant will carry more from others as the years drag on.

This post:

Saturday, August 6, 2022

I miss you, Mom, but I feel you with me.

Always.

To any readers, thanks for tuning in.




Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1226 (SoD #2329) - SIX YEARS AGO

Hi Mom,

Another year, another anniversary of the day you died.

I feel like I have covered this day in more than enough detail in past blogs, some of which are reprinted here in the collected annual edition.

Instead, I would just like to talk to you, which is what the HEY MOM feature was always meant to be. Is that okay with you?

I know it is.

It's not like I don't miss you, still need you, still wishing you were physically here. I still feel you all around me all the time. I still know you are with me, in me, near me, guiding me. I do talk to you a lot even when I do not transcribe it here. You were such an amazing human, one of the most amazing humans I have ever or will ever know.

But I have learned to live with losing you in these six years. It is not really hard any more. It just is the state of things. I have become a hater of the phrase "it is what it is," which I think is STUPID much like "from day one," which may not be stupid but is over-used. But more on that another time.

If not for the explosions and people who think Trump is still someone to cheer for, this would be a great holiday. I have become a HATER of fireworks. They happen when I want to go to sleep, but mostly I hate them because they scare the dogs. I HATE seeing my dogs scared.

IVAN IS HERE!!

We have not seen Ivan in 20 months, so this is special. Later today, Piper and her roommate come over, and we have food and hang out.

I have been working to get ready for Summer quarter, which starts Tuesday. I have one class -- English 101 -- set up completely and fully open. The other, English 102, needs more revision, but I am farther along in development than I usually am so I can take off all of today and some of tomorrow.

We get a new refrigerator tomorrow, as ours has died. We get the old one repaired Tuesday, where it will now reside in the garage.

I am taking care of things here: laundry, watering lawns and plants, walking the dogs, some cleaning, make the coffee, some cooking (grilling mostly), walk the dogs again, audio books, blogging, reading, writing.

Things are good. I am losing some weight but need to lose more. I am trying to eat healthy foods. I do not drink much at all. I have started Glucosamine, which helps with arthritic pain. I take CBD nightly.

Life is good.

I have been writing more lately. I have a short story in progress. I have taken a break from it for a time to get a novel rolling. I want to get in a rhythm of working on a few projects each week: stories and a couple of novels plus either a comic book idea or the notes for the cyberpunk fantasy epic.

Because I work for an amazing school, much more amazing than ANY in Michigan, I have faculty development money, and so I am taking a class in Young Adult novels at Sackett Street Writings Workshops.

This one:


8-week ONLINE Writing for Young Adult and Middle-Grade Workshop – begins 7.7.21

Begins: July 7, 2021
Instructor: Anna Hecker
Location: Online (weekly video Wednesdays 7:30-9:30pm EST)
Fee: $495 (usually $625)

A writing sample is not required (but welcome) for this class. Please fill out an application with your contact info. 

Start, finish, or polish your YA or MG novel in this supportive, proactive workshop. Brief lectures, tailored to students’ needs and interests, cover topics such as character development, voice and tone, plot, world-building, dialogue, romance, pacing, scene structure, querying agents, the business of publishing, and time management for writers.

Students will have opportunities to workshop writing with the class and receive written feedback from the instructor and fellow students. This course is intended for students with some writing experience.

All YA or MG genres are welcome.

APPLY NOW

Anna Hecker holds an MFA in Fiction Writing from The New School. She is the author of When the Beat Drops (Sky Pony Press, May 2018) as well as several young adult ghostwriting projects for Penguin/Razorbill, Alloy Entertainment and HarperTeen. Her articles have appeared in Cosmopolitan, ELLE, Gawker, DailyCandy, Refinery29, and VICE Broadly.


Our first assignment is as follows:

THE HOOK
Why are you writing this story? Why will others want to read it?

CHARACTER
What makes readers want to join a character on a journey? How can we make our characters relatable, complex, and compelling?

SETTING UP YOUR STORY
The six crucial elements every story beginning should include.



Obviously, the hook is a question for us to answer. The character questions might be for us to answer, but the story beginnings bit seems to be a lesson we receive. I am not sure. These are not yet open.


I am doing all right, Mom.

It's going to be a great summer. I have friends. A regular D&D game. Two wonderful dogs. A great family. I am happy.

Plus, I finally got my teeth cleaned and had a dental appointment for the first time since we moved.

I want to wrap this up so I can do some fiction writing before Liesel and Ivan come home.

Thanks for being my mom, Mom.


2107.05 - 11:04 - ADDED NOTE: Ivan and Liesel left to watch fireworks, and I stayed home with the dogs. For a while they cuddled with me on the stair landing and then later the couch (because the stair landing was hurting my back), I felt so parental, so motherly, it made me cry a little, Mom. That's because of you. Thanks. That's not a sarcastic thanks. :-)




Here's the collection of HEY MOM posts from July Fourth:


This is what I did last year in 2020, the year of the pandemic:


Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1205 (SoD #1964) - Five Years Ago

Hi Mom,

Here we are again at another July Fourth, the day you left this earth, now five years ago in 2015.

I am still holding on to a lot of guilt for not being at your side and choosing, of all things, to try to play D&D with friends instead of continuing to sit vigil as you were dying.

I am all right. The grief is just a fact of life and has been for years. But it's there, and I miss you at the weirdest times, like when I use your measuring cup or when I am eating applesauce or when I hear screaming children next door, and I want to ask if I screamed that much when I played outside at their age.

And it's strange to be here, five years after your death.

I could not really imagine you dying at all, and I certainly had not vision for what it would be like to be here, still alive myself, after living five years without you.

It's surreal and strange, and yet, it's also the new normal.

And yet, grief cannot be about wallowing. Grief creates paradigm shift. It helps clarify what's important. And what is important is living life.

Recently, one of my students wrote a paper on quality of life and argued for the four day work week. He cited an often referenced adage that he would "rather work to live than live to work."

Since working through the most painful days of grief, the first 100 days after your death, (I also had a reckoning at 90 days after), I have dedicated myself as much as possible to living life, though I acknowledge that I work much too much.  WORK, WORK, WORK!!


Mom contemplating death
Her family's grave marker
May 11, 2011
CARPE DIEM! SEIZE THE DAY!

I try, Mom. I am working to improve my work-life balance; to reserve ample time and space for self care; to act on my best priorities, which are my family first, then my friends, then my work and avocations; to maintain this blog, and keep my writing muscles limber; to be the person that my dogs believe that I am; to love, learn, give joy, find joy, and embody the central principle of my life at all times: the golden rule.




And, so, LIVING.

I went kayaking on Coldwater Lake today, Mom. It's a lake formed by the Mt. St. Helens eruption of 1980.


Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1033 - Mount St. Helens trip 1805.03

It's not a thing you would have done in a million years, Mom, even when you were younger.

And yet, I feel closer to you there, in nature in general, but in that place in particular.

It feel right to me. It's the right thing to do on this day, after five years without you.

I wish you were truly here to see it, in the flesh, and yet, I feel you were watching.

The day had mixed results.

The temperature from our home (68) dropped by 15 or so degrees (to 54).

We did well with strapping the kayaks to the car and getting them off again once we got to Coldwater Lake.

We rowed out about a mile, and it was fine, serene.

We turned around and started back in a head wind. The waves were not white capped or anything, but our kayaks felt very tippy and unstable. It felt like we could capsize at any time.

I had hugged the shore rowing out, and after trying for a more direct route back, I made toward shore again as the wind was a little less severe in the shallows.

It went all right, and we both stayed out of the water.

The whole adventure would have been perfect had I been able to get out of the kayak, but in my attempt, despite good advice, I toppled over and cut my knee badly.

But with some first aid, we managed, and lashed the kayaks back to the top of the car and returned home.


you can just see the blood on my right leg from my cut knee

GRATITUDE

On this day, like on many days in any year, I think about how grateful I am for the upbringing that you and Dad gave me, Mom.

Here's one of my best gratitude posts:

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #217 - Gratitude
I think today is a good day to reprint the following:

LAST WORD ON THE GRATITUDE THING: I got the idea for the gratitude prayer (meditation, list, incantation, catalogue, rumination, reflection, or whatever you want to call it) from a movie called The Secret. I am not quite promoting the movie as a "true" exposure of an actual science. In fact, many of the stories in the film are a bit fatuous. However, I like watching it. I showed it to a class (my second viewing) about a month ago, and the idea of the daily gratitude thing struck me. In the movie, one of the interviewees (I forget which one and it's not important) explained how he had a rock in his pocket. At night, he would set it on his dresser with the other contents of his pockets. The next morning, he would retrieve it and remember to list the things for which he was grateful as a daily routine, like a prayer. He had a visitor from South Africa and told the man about his rock and gratitude practice. The man called it a "gratitude rock." After returning to South Africa, he wrote his American friend and asked for some gratitude rocks to be sent to him because one of his children was very sick, and he did not have the money to seek medical care for the child. The interviewee balked at sending "gratitude rocks" because, after all, "they are just rocks," he said. But he found three nice rocks and sent them to his South African friend. Months later, the South African wrote back. The rocks worked! His son was healed and recovered. They paid for his medical treatment by selling a hundred gratitude rocks. People believed in the power of the gratitude rocks.

I found this story inspirational. I do not use a rock, but every day, I make my gratitude list. I send energy into the universe. I focus on the positive and try to limit or dismiss the negative.

I think it's working.

Thank you, Mom.



I no longer enjoy Independence Day, which is okay, because I never really enjoyed it anyway. It's nice to have an excuse not to work.

Springsteen's song "Independence Day" is not strictly a mirror of missing you on this day of your death, but there are remarkable connections.

"Independence Day" by Bruce Springsteen from The River

Recorded three years before you died, Mom:




INDEPENDENCE DAY 

Album version
Well Papa go to bed now, it's getting late
Nothing we can say is gonna change anything now
I'll be leaving in the morning from St. Mary's Gate
We wouldn't change this thing even if we could somehow

'Cause the darkness of this house has got the best of us
There's a darkness in this town that's got us too
But they can't touch me now and you can't touch me now
They ain't gonna do to me what I watched them do to you

So say goodbye, it's Independence Day
It's Independence Day all down the line
Just say goodbye, it's Independence Day
It's Independence Day this time

Now I don't know what it always was with us
We chose the words and, yeah, we drew the lines
There was just no way this house could hold the two of us
I guess that we were just too much of the same kind

Well say goodbye, it's Independence Day
It's Independence Day, all boys must run away
So say goodbye, it's Independence Day
All men must make their way come Independence Day

[Sax solo]

Now the rooms are all empty down at Frankie's joint
And the highway she's deserted, clear down to Breaker's Point
There's a lot of people leaving town now, leaving their friends, their homes
At night they walk that dark and dusty highway all alone

Well Papa go to bed now, it's getting late
Nothing we can say can change anything now
Because there's just different people coming down here now and they see things in different ways
And soon everything we've known will just be swept away

So say goodbye, it's Independence Day
Papa now I know the things you wanted that you could not say
But won't you just say goodbye, it's Independence Day
I swear I never meant to take those things away
https://www.springsteenlyrics.com/lyrics.php?song=independenceday

Info

INDEPENDENCE DAY is a song written by Bruce Springsteen and released on his 1980 album The River. The above lyrics are for Bruce Springsteen's album version of INDEPENDENCE DAY as released in 1980.
And, as usual, the annual recaps (here in a reprint): 

Mom - Mother's Day - 1976
Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1176 (SoD #1596) - Marjorie Tower - RIP - 07-04-2015

Hi Mom, Living without you is getting easier with each year that passes. I never thought I would survive it. Does surviving losing you mean that I can survive anything? I hope so. I feel stronger and yet weaker at the same time. But though I am both stronger and weaker, I move on ahead into each new day. Those days come whether I want them to or not. Sometimes, I feel helplessly adrift in them, and at other times, I feel I am in control of those days, wrenching the life juices from their fabric and reveling in the gifts I have been given. And I have been given so many gifts. I feel lucky. I am blessed.

When I am not thinking of how much I miss you, I think about what your life might have been like if you had never gotten the meningitis or if we could have caught it earlier and stopped it before it stole your mobility, independence, and much of your freedom. Or what if it had happened to me instead? I wouldn't be here in the Portland-metro area; I wouldn't be married.

Mostly, I am unapologetic for my feelings or in still writing about grief and loss from time to time on this blog. People misunderstood how the blog was about life and not about death, how it was about living and not about grieving. There's just some grieving in the blog because there's some grieving in the life. People will still misunderstand. People will read the headline and nor the text. People will judge. But I am not writing for them. I am writing for me and to you, Mom.

I could have written about something else today, but I feel like that would be a betrayal not just of you and your memory but of myself. I cope with my writing. I practice good self-care with my writing. And somehow, I know you hear me, Mom. I still feel you with me, beside me, all around. I want to be worthy of your love and care, this life you gave me. I want to pay tribute to the living you in me, practicing the lessons you taught me in loving those in my life and showing them the white, pure light of the love that made you who you are and me who I am.

I am doing all right.

To close, I want to include a few more pictures and links to the last three posts on July 4th. There wasn't one that first year, 2015, as I started this blog series two days later, July 6th.

SIDENOTE: I am amazed that I have written 1176 in this series and nearly 1600 overall, when added to my 365 T-shirts posts, I have nearly 2000 blog posts on the Internet, which feels like good work for the last six years give or take.



At the end of that first year, 2016, I rode the Kal Haven Trail with Sue Creager, stopping along the way at the time of your death.

https://sensedoubt.blogspot.com/2016/07/hey-mom-talking-to-my-mother-363.html

Mother's Day 1994

In 2017, I didn't do much of anything. I just made a post explaining my emotional and mental state as of the two year anniversary of your death.

https://sensedoubt.blogspot.com/2017/07/hey-mom-talking-to-my-mother-728-two.html

Coldwater Lake Hike 1807.04
In 2018, I had moved to Woodland, WA, and I hiked Coldwater Lake as pictured in part above. Being in nature was even better than my first time, the bike ride, in 2016.

https://sensedoubt.blogspot.com/2018/07/hey-mom-talking-to-my-mother-1094-three.html



This year, no nature.

I went to see a showing of the new Ari Aster film Midsommar and had Vietnamese food. I walked the dogs, watched the neighborhood fireworks, and tried to keep the dogs calm. It was still a good day.

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It's been FIVE YEARS.



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A Sense of Doubt blog post #2694 - Portland Art Museum and Salty's with Dad

Dad wanted seafood, so I did some searching and found Salty's, which is quite good though pricey.

Then we went to the Portland Art Museum, where I am a member.

It was another good day.

Though this day is the anniversary of Mom's death -- July 4th 2015 at 10:10 a.m. -- these pictures show what we did the day before, July Third.

I will more fully acknowledge Mom's death tomorrow.

DAD VACATION

These posts on the "Dad Vacation" are published one day behind the day we did the thing. These picture were taken on July Third.


Blog Vacation Two 2022 - Vacation II Post #130
I took a "Blog Vacation" in 2021 from August 31st to October 14th. I did not stop posting daily; I just put the blog in a low power rotation and mostly kept it off social media. Like that vacation, for this second blog vacation now in 2022, I am alternating between reprints, shares with little to no commentary, and THAT ONE THING, which is an image from the folder with a few thoughts scribbled along with it. I am alternating these three modes as long as the vacation lasts (not sure how long), pre-publishing the posts, and not always pushing them to social media.

Here's the collected Blog Vacation I from 2021:

Saturday, October 16, 2021

Ellory loving on her Dad because her missed him.



AT THE PORTLAND ART MUSEUM










AT SALTY'S ON MARINE DRIVE



















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Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1237 (SoD #2727) -  - My new Mani Mantra pendant - contains ashes

Hi Mom, I haven't written to you in a while. My last HEY MOM post dates back to Mother's Day (May 8th) and before that January 27th, when we reached the milestone that you had been dead for 2400 days. I am getting close to the 2600 milestone now, which will happen on Monday the 15th of August, about a week from now.

For years, I have had a file open on my computer called "Pendants for My Mom's Ashes" that I last updated on December 30th 2015.

It took me six and a half years to finally choose and buy a pendant, so that I could wear your ashes around my neck in something that is meaningful to me.

Maybe when Liesel or one of the dogs dies (I expect the dogs to go first), I change to wearing their ashes. Or maybe I mix ashes of all my loved ones. I actually hope Dad outlives the dogs.

Anyway, in recent years, I have been able to let go of coping mechanisms to deal with losing you, Mom.

I stopped the daily alarm at 10:10 a.m. about two years after you died. I stopped kissing your Frantic Woman shirt every day before that. And other things, including stopping the daily HEY MOM posts on July 06th, 2018, three years to the day after you died.

Friday, July 6, 2018

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #1096 - The Last Daily, Consecutive Hey Mom Post

DRAT!!

I just spotted a counting error with the HEY MOM posts in which I have two Hey Mom #1146 posts in January of 2019.

Oh well, too late to renumber now.

Oh wait. I may have fixed it. Yes. Okay. That's fixed, but there seems to be a gap between Hey MOM #1150 on February 10, 2019 and #1158 on March 31, 2019. I may have to investigate this, but for now I am going to trust that my numbering is accurate.

Anyway, here's the pendant list:

infinity

http://www.perfectmemorials.com/infinity-cylinder-stainless-steel-cremation-jewelry-engravable-p-8808.html?products_id=8808zmam=40893252&zmas=1&zmac=1&zmap=PM9808&gclid=Cj0KEQiAno60BRDt89rAh7qt-4wBEiQASes2tZ-M3408T8rHto01G3JyIA1VUxR94ba1Yefoh1NqSicaAguS8P8HAQ

panda cat pendant

http://www.aliexpress.com/item/Panda-Stainless-Steel-Black-Cute-Cat-Charm-Cremation-Jewelry-Ashes-Pendant-Keepsake-Memorial-Urn-Necklace-With/32525126380.html

SOME NICE ONES

http://www.coopfunerals.co.uk/Memorials/Cremation-Memorials/Urns-and-Keepsakes/

possibly

http://www.coopfunerals.co.uk/Memorials/Cremation-Memorials/Urns-and-Keepsakes/Ashes-Pendant-Chelsea-Design-29/

Buddhist wheel pendant

Dharma chakra

Many good ones here

http://www.stardust-memorials.com/necklaces-for-ashes.html

AND SO I CHOSE THIS:

https://innerwisdomstore.com/products/tibetan-buddhist-mani-mantra-pendant-necklace

I wanted something meaningful independent of your ashes, Mom, something that I would want to wear as its own thing, expressing its own ideas.

This Mani Mantra pendant is just the thing, though the other day it came apart while I was out running errands, and I lost a few bits of your ashes!! I am going to have to be scrupulous about keeping it screwed together tightly and check it all the time. I wore it today to Portland and checked it when I got home, and it needed a few turns to tighten.

The pendant came with the mantra and prayer on a tiny scroll, which I removed to fill the vessel with your ashes, Mom.


In the other photos, above, I cheat and display the pendant on the book cover from The Atlas Six by Olivie Blake, which I just happened to be reading at the time but which looks cool.

I really liked the design of this pendant. Though I am not crazy about gold, this had a mix with silver, and so it seemed less garish.

And I liked the symbols on its face and the meaning of the Mani Mantra.

I want to learn how to use the Mani Mantra in practice. I need more spirituality in my life. I also want to start doing Tai Chi regularly.

Following, I have shared the Mani Mantra and the text from the Inner Wisdom site.

I am very happy with this decision, Mom, to carry you forward into the future like this, with this pendant, and this spiritual practice.

I love you, Mom.

I know you approve. I hear you.

Thanks.










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NEW (written 1708.27 and 1907.04) NOTE on time: I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of your death, Mom, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of your death, Mom. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom. Dropped "Talk to you tomorrow, Mom" in the sign off on 1907.04. Should have done it sooner as this feature is no longer daily.
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Reflect and connect.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you, Mom.

I miss you so very much, Mom.

Talk to you soon, Mom.

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- Days ago: MOM = 3655 days ago & DAD = #309 days ago

- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 2507.04 - 10:10

- New note started on 2410.28 - NEW (written 1708.27 and 1907.04) NOTE on time: On 1807.06, I ceased daily transmission of my Hey Mom feature after three years of daily conversations. I post Hey Mom blog entries on special occasions. I post the days since ("Days Ago") count on my blog each day, and now I have a second count for Days since my Dad died on August 28, 2024. I am now in the same time zone as Google! So, when I post at 10:10 a.m. PDT to coincide with the time of your death, Mom, I am now actually posting late, so it's really 1:10 p.m. EDT. But I will continue to use the time stamp of 10:10 a.m. to remember the time of your death, Mom. I know this only matters to me, and to you, Mom. I will never post Hey Moms at the time of Dad's death: 13:40 EDT. Dropped "Talk to you tomorrow, Mom" in the sign off on 1907.04. Should have done it sooner as this feature is no longer daily.
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