Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #236 - Hey Mom, a blog recap

Hey, Mom! Talking to My Mother #236 - Hey Mom, a blog recap

Hi Mom,

I am eating a fruit and nut medley.

I thought it was time for a blog recap.

Day 236 of the blog, which is the 238th day since you died, is not in any way significant. But I had some extra time on this Sunday, today, and I am caught up with the blog and almost caught up with grading, and though I have a computer program to write and no idea how, I thought this would be a good time to stop and reflect.

I try to explore good and quality content as much as I am able. I try to keep a variety of content on display here, though I always come to back to the reality of loss, Mom. And yet, I don't want this to be a blog about loss and grief. It's supposed to be a blog about life and living, about going on.

Some may perceive that what I am doing is holding on, that I am not letting go because I keep writing "Hey Mom" entries to you, Mom, making a public display of my grief over losing you, and my grief over losing David Bowie as I feature Daily Bowie entries with same frequency as daily messages to you. (BTW, I have no idea how many Daily Bowie entries I plan to do. So far, no end in sight is planned.)

But this activity of writing to you is not about how I cannot let go. It's actually putting on display the process of letting go. Am I going to write Hey Mom posts for the rest of my life? No. I have pledged to do 365 of them, a year, and then I am going to stop. This does not mean that I will never again write about you. I am going to think about you every day, feel this loss every day, for the rest of my life. But I decided to do a year of continuing our conversations. After a year, I will stop the public display of those conversations, but the conversations themselves--and especially the private stuff that I am too shy to share on this blog--will continue as well.

I fall behind frequently. I gave up the dedication to making sure I actually post something every day because with my schedule that is very difficult if not impossible, at least in terms of completion. I could post unfinished place holders every day, but that's not very interesting. And since Blogger allows me to post backwards in time, I can fall behind, catch up a week's worth over a couple of days, and still look like I have posted every day. This last week, I sacrificed variety a bit for catching up,  and basically detailed my days narrated to pictures from my family archive. I am okay with those choices as the detail of my daily life is much like what I shared with you on the phone, Mom. But I do prefer more variety of subject matter.

And so variety. My life is rumble strip of pounding, hammering, work-mandated (or work-addicted?) mania, in which I have too much to do in too little time. I could spend every day whining about my work-work (jobs), my school work, my grades, the laundry, the chickens, the puppy, and never come up for air and breathe in a better and more interesting range of content. And so, I try to write about as wide a variety of things as I am able to do. I am sure I could go wider, but the topics are still filtered through what interests me at a given time, and though I am interested in everything, I am not always interested in writing about everything. But I want some diversity here because otherwise I might just write about computers, comic books, and Baseball. So I try to stretch myself. I try to learn new things. I try to focus on things that I care about. I strive to generate good content, to share well, to make connections, and to provide whatever insubstantial insight my time and energy allows.

And yet, I may be seen as circling the same subject all the time. I could write about how I miss you, Mom, every day. I could write about loss and grief every day. I do keep returning to those topics. I make mention of missing you frequently. I keep banging around the same subject matter because I expect to shake loose an essential truth. I feel like there's something I am missing in this experience. Something I have not understood needs to be unearthed, brought out of the dark, and targeted with bright, well-focused light. I do not know what this thing, this truth, this revelation is, but I keep yammering away and masticating it down to the nub in an attempt to find it, assuming this all makes sense to anyone but me, and, well, you, Mom, because you are so near to me all the time, now.

So that's the recap as it is. What's the essential truth for which I am searching? I have no idea.

Here's to another 129 days remaining in this blog year as I continue to search.

Reflect and connect.

Have someone give you a kiss, and tell you that I love you.

Talk to you tomorrow, Mom.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

- Days ago = 238 days ago

- Bloggery committed by chris tower - 1602.28 - 10:10

NOTE on time: When I post late, I had been posting at 7:10 a.m. because Google is on Pacific Time, and so this is really 10:10 EDT. However, it still shows up on the blog in Pacific time. So, I am going to start posting at 10:10 a.m. Pacific time, intending this to be 10:10 Eastern time. I know this only
matters to me, and to you, Mom. But I am not going back and changing all the 7:10 a.m. times. But I will run this note for a while. Mom, you know that I am posting at 10:10 a.m. often because this is the time of your death.